Reminders from our children

Yesterday I made milkshakes for the girls (trying to add those pounds on!). We were sitting on the floor of the kitchen, each girl with their pink "big girl" cups and straws when Lily looked up and raised her cup...for a second I thought she was about to turn it upside down and dump it all over the floor, a common occurance these days! But instead, she looked up at the picture of Zoe on the mantel and said "Zo-Zo, milkmake?" She then proceeded to make little drinking noises like she does when she feeds her babydolls. I smiled and cried at the same time.

Richard and I both try very hard to keep Zoe alive in our house and daily lives, both for the girls, and for us. We always talk about her, blow her kisses at night, welcome her in the morning when we light her candle, always include her in the tale when telling bedtime stories, and of course we have pictures of her throughout the house so that wherever anyone looks, you will see those sparkly green eyes. It makes me so happy to know that Lily and Avery, while only a mere 21 months old, are taking this all in. Sometimes, like yesterday, they subtly remind me that they ARE listening and they ARE very much aware of what goes on around them. They'll blow kisses to Zoe without any prompting or say "goo moning Yoey" before I say it. Thank God they are showing me that they see Zoe in a beautiful, bright, positive light...they, like their angel sister, are amazing!

Thoughts and writings on grief

As I stated previously, I am fully engrossed in a searching/yearning phase and therefore have been joining every group I know of that deals with the loss of a child or more specifically loss of an infant and even a group that deals with loss of a child in a multiple birth. I also ventured out to a support group for women who had lost a baby or child and/or struggled with infertility. It was wonderful! The woman that spoke was a NICU nurse for several years in Chicago and took care of the terminal babies. She herself has suffered two miscarriages. She later went to seminary and now offers counseling. I saw her a couple days ago one-on-one and FINALLY I think I found a counselor that understands, doesn't try to put me in a box or a specific "grief column", and who also has the spiritual knowledge that I am craving. I'll write another post about the crazy, looney-tune woman I was going to....yikes is all I can say!

Anyway, on with this post...I've also tried to get my hands on as many books as possible, not so much about grief from a clinical perspective, but I get much more out of a personal story or a mother's journey through grief. As such, I'd like to share some perspectives, poems, and quotes that have really struck a chord with me.


In the Midst of Winter: Selections from the Literature of Mourning by Phillips Brooks
"May I try to tell you again where your only comfort lies? It is not in forgetting the happy past. People bring us well meant but miserable conoslations when they tell us what time will do to help our grief. We do not want to lose our grief, because our grief is bound up with our love and we could not cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections"



"Surprised by Joy" by Williams Wordsworth, who lost his four year old daughter (funny that one of his poems speaks to me, I took a literature course in college strictly on the poetry of Wordsworth and Coleridge and it was the first time I nearly failed a class!)

Surprised by Joy - impatient as the Wind

I turned to share the transport - Oh! with whom

But thee, deep buried in the silent tomb,

That spot which vicissitude can find?

Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind-

But how could I forget thee? Through what power,

Even for the least division of an hour

Have I been so beguiled as to be blind

To my most grievous loss!-That thought's return

Was the worst pang that sorrow ever bore,

Save one, one only, when I stood forlorn,

Knowing my heart's best treasure was no more;

That neither present time, nor years unborn

Could to my sight that heavenly face restore.



From a Map of the World by Jane Hamilton

"...He said he couldn't stand Lizzy being only a memory. He said he just hadn't gotten enough of her, that he hardly knew her. He has been trying to find some way he can carry her presence forward, trying to connect her with our life now. He hates the photographs because they are so flat and still."



From the Pulitzer Prize winning play J.B. by Archibald MacLeish

"...Then blow on the coal of the heart, my darling."

"The coal of the heart..."

"It's all the light now.

Blow on the coal of the heart.

The candles in the churches are out.

The lights have gone out in the sky.

Blow on the coal of the heart

And we'll see by and by..."



Tears by Washington Irving

There is a sacredness in tears,

They are not the mark of weakness,

But of power.

They speak more eloquently

Than 10,000 tongues.

They are the messengers of Overwhelming grief,

Of deep contrition

and of Unspeakable love.



If Roses Grow in Heaven, author unknown

If roses grow in Heaven,

Lord please pick a bunch for me,

Place them in my daughter's arms

and tell her they're from me.

Tell her I love her and miss her,

and when she turns to smile,

place a kiss upon her cheek

and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,

I do it everyday,

but there's an ache within my heart

that will never go away.



Title and author unknown of the following poem

If I could have a lifetime with a dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back I know because I've tried
And neither will a million tears I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart and happy memories too.
I never wanted memories I only wanted you.


A quote by E.E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear...


I'm There Inside Your Heart author unknown

Right now I'm in a different place
And though we seem far apart,
I'm closer than I ever was...
I'm there inside yor heart.

I'm with you when you greet each day
And while the sun shines bright,
I'm there to share the sunsets, too...
I'm with you every night.

I'm with you when the times are good
To share a laugh or two,
And if a tear should start to fall
I'll still be there for you.

And when the day arrives
That we no longer are apart,
I'll smile and hold you close to me...


There Should be Three by Terri Koelling for her triplet son Nathan

You may have seen me
Out with my boys.
I'm a painful reminder
of your stolen joys.

The joy of twins,
Something you should have had.
I know when you see me,
you turn away sad.

But I share in your tears
when you see me.
Because for us,
there should have been three.


My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away....
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

Copyright 1998 Kaye Des'Ormeaux

If you have any quotes, poems, or readings that have helped you through your grief journey I invite you to share them with me...I'm always looking for hope and inspiration.

Another new video

I guess I've been a little video crazed lately...they say that around the 6th month after losing your child you enter a searching/yearning stage...I would say I am fully engrossed in this stage. I've been watching every single second of Zoe footage that we have. Most of it is on those little mini tapes and aren't converted to digital format yet, so there will be many, many more slices of Zoe's life that I'll be able to share. So hit play above and see my little girl just having a conversation with her mommy!

A post in parts

Part 1….a stay at home working mom
I started back to work in May, twice a week for an architect friend of mine. It’s worked out really well so far, as the friend and I worked together in the past, he has really interesting work and it gets me out of the house twice a week. I find that I enjoy being home with the girls much more on the five days I am home, because I miss them so much on the days I work. Even though they are thoroughly acting like two year olds these days!

I’ve also picked up a little work of my own to fill some gaps and bring in a little extra cash…so here’s me working at home on a day I wouldn’t normally be working! That’s lily in the bouncy swing in the doorway, Avery in the Ergo on my back while I draw some furniture plans at my drafting table...multitasking at it's finest!

Part 2…bet you didn’t know this about me

So, for Richard’s birthday this year I gave him tickets to see the UFC …that does not stand for Ultimate Frechbraiding Club…it does however stand for Ultimate Fighting Championship! I know, I know why would a woman ever want to go to this? To answer you, I have no idea, but I really do like watching the UFC on television, we’ve even gotten the pay-per view fights and have been avid followers of the Ultimate Fighter show on Spike. Not very AP of me, what can I say? I do have to say that there is a huge misconception about UFC as being a “fight to the death” kind of thing, but it’s really not…it is a legitimate sport…the athletes are highly trained and conditioned in mixed martial arts…jiu jitsu, muy thai, kickboxing, wrestling, boxing…it really is amazing the kind of situations these guys get themselves in and then somehow…someway they get out! Now granted, there are a few fighters that probably do just want to “kill” their opponent, but most of the fighters are educated, well-spoken, passionate athletes that are dedicated to putting this sport on the map. The current light heavyweight champion is even from Athens, Georgia! They are not the fake wrestlers from the WWE with weird costumes, personas, and “battles”.

There was a very definite demographic represented at the fight…it wasn’t trashy WWE wrestling…it wasn’t crooked boxing promoters…it was primarily young people, mostly guys, many of whom look like they might have aspirations of being in the UFC as well. There was even a mom there with her teenage son (she was asleep the whole time). The best part about the night? It was the one and only time I’ve been to a sporting event or concert where the women’s line at the bathroom was shorter than the men’s! I do have to say that I prefer watching the fights on TV as I truly missed Joe Rogan’s commentary. (Yes, Joe Rogan from Fear Factor) And I was really sad that Chuck “the Iceman” Liddell went down quickly in the first round…I was pulling for the “old” dude and was looking forward to a good long, exciting fight… at least 3 rounds if not the full 5. So there you have it…something that you probably never would have EVER guessed about me!

Part 3…Avery and Lily are graduates

After 15 months of post-NICU therapies, Avery and Lily have been discharged from physical therapy and from speech therapy!!! Yea girls! These little girls are amazing at every turn. Our ST said she had a report due to the insurance company last week and there was no possible way for her to say that they were delayed because they had mastered all the developmental skills of a two year old (remember they’re only 21 months, 18 adjusted). This is very exciting news…but also very sad. Susan was their PT, but I managed to wrangle her in to being on the board of our Foundation so she hasn’t gotten rid of us J .

Nancy started with the girls at the same time Susan did, last June, when the girls had major feeding difficulties…she told me over and over that they would eat and I have to say I hardly believed her. Feeding was such a struggle, struggle isn’t even a strong enough word, I can hardly even verbalize what those months were like. You have the knowledge that (1) your kid is premature and therefore starts life being “behind” (2) your kid is under weight and has to catch up (3) your doctors and specialists have hammered into your head that they MUST get a certain quantity of formula for a certain amount of calories every day or they won’t grow, their brains won’t grow, they won’t develop at it will be all YOUR fault (4) your kid has a tube going from their nose down to their stomach that you, yes you, have to place down their nose when they pull it out (at least once a day if not more) and (5) you are so freaking tired of women with full term babies talking about how their kid nurses like a champ and won’t stop eating when you are absolutely CERTAIN that your kid would not mind if you didn’t feed them for a week, couldn’t nurse because it might literally kill them, and has to have formula so think it is the consistency of thick grits…oh, and you don’t just have one of these kids…you have THREE!!! But, Nancy was right, they weren’t on their tubes forever, they actually did end up taking all bottles, they actually did end up eating from a spoon, they actually did end up transitioning from bottles to sippy cups..and now they’ll eat almost anything they want…absolutely amazing! And that’s just the feeding part of her job!

She also helped them (and us) learn sign language as a form of communication, and taught them to speak. She taught us how to work with them to help stimulate the communication part of their brains and now they easily have over a 100 word vocabulary, are putting 2, 3, and 4 word sentences together…and are trying to sing songs with us like “Whoa, whoa, whoa, boat” (row, row, row your boat)…”hush baby”(hush little baby)…”happy to, to, to” (happy birthday)…”wock a baby” (rock a bye baby) and ”itsy bitsy” (itsy bitsy spider).

Nancy and Susan were both in our house every week, sometimes more than once, each time spending 2-3 and sometimes almost 4 hours in our home. They became part of our family, part of my girls’ day, part of their lives. They were also a link to Zoe for me since she died. In fact, Nancy said back in March that she didn’t really need to come anymore, but I felt that for the girls (and for me) that I needed some continuity of what we did before Zoe died. Since we barely let anyone, except those that HAD to be in our house, Nancy and Susan were very much a part of my life and I didn’t want to lose that connection. It seems as more time passes…I lose more connections to the time before Zoe died. I’m getting ahead of myself…that’s Part 4.

So, here’s a huge congratulatory hug to my girls, Avery and Lily to my friends, Susan and Nancy…I can’t imagine where we’d be had they not come into our lives and I can never thank them enough for helping my girls grow and helping me become confident in caring for my tiny preemies.

Part 4…It still hurts so much

Today is the 16th…and like every 16th of every month I can tell you exactly what we were doing at every hour, every minute of the day on February 16th. I remember the very last time I looked into Zoe’s eyes when she was still awake and before they fully sedated her to be intubated. My sadness still comes in waves, some days I start to think “My gosh, I think I really will get through this” and other days it rips through me…the hollowness in my heart and stomach are as huge as they were that day. I miss her so much; I wonder what she’d look like. I wonder what she’d be doing after dinner when we strip the girls down to their diapers and let them run around the family room before bath…would she be crawling and chasing after them or would she be sitting watching them, shaking her little hands, squealing, and wondering what in the world they were doing. I wonder if she’d be eating by mouth and what she might like…would she like chicken nuggets and milkshakeys (Avery’s word for milkshake) too? Would she eat peas one at time like Lily? Or wad them in like Avery? What sounds or even words might she be saying by now…after over a year of working with Linda? I can only imagine what it would be like. I can only imagine because I’ll never know.

Several people have told me they’ve had dreams about her or felt they were receiving messages or signs from her. And all fairly recently, in the last month or month and a half. All of those that have dreamt about her say that she has no connections, no tubes, no wires, she is usually a bit older, running around skipping and playing…and so happy. Is she trying to tell me through them that’s what she is right now? She’s free…totally free and experiencing a sense of joy that I cannot even comprehend? I hope so, for her sake, but oh my God I wish she were here.

At night, I lay down with Avery and Lily until they fall asleep and I pray to God, I talk to Zoe, I plead with Him to make sure Zoe knows how much we love her, how deeply we miss her, and just how sorry I am that I could not prevent her death. Did He call her home to Heaven because life on Earth would have just gotten worse for her? I can’t imagine that, I only imagine positive movement forward…just what I pictured at the beginning of February when she started sitting up all by herself. I thought she was stronger on the inside and out…I was fooled. I was foolish to think a baby with such serious conditions and a medical history thicker than most encyclopedias was actually going to be a “normal” child so quickly. I got too comfortable in her progress, her demeanor fooled me. She was always so happy, she smiled so much, she played, she had a sense of humor, she laughed…a baby with medical conditions and tubes and wires shouldn’t be so happy right? They have every reason and every right to be fussy, mad little kids…but she wasn’t, she was the complete opposite. Oh how I feel like I failed her while she was here. One day maybe I’ll see that I didn’t, but I feel like if I did everything I should have done she’d still be here.

Logically I know that I was not in control…I do believe in God and I do believe He has a divine plan for us. Someone recently told me that when bad things happen and we suffer we often ask “why?” Her explanation was that it was God’s way of preparing us for the future, preparing us to be able to help others. So…we can now relate to couples experiencing infertility, women on bed rest with a high risk pregnancy, extreme prematurity, multiple births, extended NICU stays, special needs children, and the death of a child…have I left anything out? I know we have a plan set out for us to help others through our Foundation and I also have no doubt whatsoever that Zoe is in Heaven; that she is happy, she is free, she has no sadness, no pain and she’s just waiting for us. I believe all of this and I never doubt it…but I still want her here in person. I want desperately to stroke her soft silky hair, not the glass covering her picture in the frame…I want to kiss her sweet soft cheeks, not the cold marble of her urn…I want to hear her squeal with joy, not have to look up a video taken of her months ago that is never long enough…I want to feel the weight of her body against my chest when I hold her, not the weightless feel of her t-shirt kept sealed in a Ziploc to preserve the last thing I have that smells like her.

On those days when I think “I will get through this” I start to wonder, get through what? What am I reaching for? What is the goal here? To not think about her, never! To not shed a tear when I think about the last day spent with her, I seriously doubt it. To not be sad when I talk about her, maybe…but I doubt the sadness will ever leave in total. Why is the counting of months and days since her death so important to me? Why do I have to relive February 16th on the 16th of every month? Why do I have to remember every single horrifying detail of that day? Am I counting to say…look you got through another month without her? Is this something to celebrate? No, it’s not. Am I counting to get closer and closer to being with her again one day, when I am called home to Heaven? Maybe. I don’t have the answer; I have no idea why I do these things. We’ve hit seven months now; that means a year will be here before I know it, and then what? Then it’s just on and on, more days, more months, more years without her.

She is forever our 14 month old baby while Avery and Lily get bigger, stronger, and get older.
She was a true angel on Earth; we both talk about how many times it was as if she was there for us instead of us being there for her. And now, she’s our angel in Heaven. I miss you Zoe, terribly, and will always love you!!!

Driving 6 hours is SOOOOO worth it!

Today I drove to Richmond, VA from Chapel Hill, NC and back just for lunch...and it was soooooo worth it! I got to spend face to face time with Kelly and Karen who I've met through blogging and various triplet message boards. I felt like I already knew them but now I feel like I've known them my whole life. These ladies are incredible. If you have not visited their blogs, you must. They are inspiring women, hardworking women, loving women, and above all incredible triplet mommies. Like Karen said on her blog (she beat me to posting first about our afternoon!) it is just so nice to spend time with other HOM moms, because they just get it, they've been down many of the same roads as I; from infertility, to treatments, to triplet pregnancy, to preterm birth, to NICU stays, to dealing with depression, to breastfeeding/pumping/feeding issues, to general logistical issues with triplets...and no matter what else we've been through or experienced along the way, no matter how we live our lives individually, there was absolutely no judgment, there were no unwanted opinions or advice, just open, honest, compassionate conversation and understanding. Oh, and did I mention they are both hilarious with a capital H???

The most wonderful part about today was after we'd already sat down and been chatting for a while, I excused myself to use the ladies room and realized that Zoe had already come up in conversation (after barely 5 minutes) and she had come up so naturally. It wasn't forced, it wasn't awkward...it was just talking about my kids...not my child who died. I can barely describe in words what this was like for me because it has rarely, if ever, happened since Zoe died. Karen and Kelly were just so compassionate about our loss, but didn't pity me...there was no look of "thank God that's not me" in their eyes. Thank you ladies, for a most wonderful afternoon. I honestly think I could still be sitting outside on that bench with you just talking and talking and talking! I hope we can do it again sometime, some way before we're too old to travel!!!

Jess...we missed you and I really hope our paths will cross sometime soon!

Stef did it again!

I have to send a big virtual jump up and down do flips in the air THANK YOU to Stef from Triple-Take...I thought our page needed a little "freshening up" and she came through once again. Where she finds the time I have no clue! But, Stef, I absolutely love my new look!

So...how did the six month anniversary go? Actually it went ok. We had a little b'day party for Richard at his mom's house that day with his sister and her family. His mom bought a bunch of balloons that we wrote messages on and sent up to Zoe so she could join the party too. We all watched them drift up into the clouds until we couldn't see them anymore. As always, each celebration is bittersweet. We miss her terribly and oftentimes the sadness hits us as hard as it did when the shock of her death wore off. I think for me, the week leading up to the anniversary was the hardest. She died on a Saturday and the anniversary fell on a Saturday so each day of that week I was replaying what happened (I wrote more about this in the previous post). That day, as the morning hours ticked by my chest got tighter and tighter, and then 9:50 am came and went....and that was it. An anniversary not celebrated as anniversaries normally are, just a quiet passing of time in which Richard and I lived and breathed through it and the world went on about it's business as it always does.

I have to thank those of you that posted comments and sent emails in response to my last entry. It helped, it really did. It also made me realize how few people actually got to know Zoe personally. So many people have only come to know her through my blog as she lived a short and very sheltered life either in the hospital or in the confines of our home. What continues to amaze me is how deeply she has touched so many people, despite the shortness of her life. I received some comments from those that hadn't commented before, but heard my plea for memories and therefore, not really knowing Zoe, at least offered me a tidbit about how she has changed their lives. The Speech School is going to memorialize her in October...she was hardly even AT the school...we never participated in school related activities, I wasn't on the parent committee, we were probably the least active family at the school (obviously for medical reasons)...and yet they want to honor her life in a way that will live on for years to come. This is absolutely incredible! I also got an email from one of her healthcare providers who wants to write a presentation about working with preemies with extended NICU stays to be given (hopefully) at a national conference...again, incredible!!! God is clearly showing me the "purpose" for Zoe's life and death...do I particularly like the fact that He only let me have her for 14 months? Absolutely not!!! I wonder, why only 14 months? Couldn't she have lived a full long life and still inspire and change people's lives? There are quite a few living people that change others lives...why did she have to die to do so? I know I won't get that answer anytime soon and I am trying so hard to take some shred of comfort in knowing that her story has touched and will continue to touch people for years to come...but it's still really, really hard!

As for Zoe's sisters, we've been in North Carolina since Friday. It's their first trip to my hometown and my first trip home in over two years! They have had a ball! My dad and stepmom will be moving out to their farm at the end of the month which we've finally seen in person and it is just beautiful, so peaceful, so calm...just an oasis! At their current house they've had plenty to keep the girls entertained between Sophie the cat and their three chickens. Lily tries to lay down next to Sophie, who at least lets Lily pet her, but usually scurries away when Lily lays down. The girls have enjoyed feeding the chickens and letting them out in the morning, checking for eggs in the afternoon, and saying "nigh-nigh" at bedtime. Lily has absolutely no fear...when we visited the farm she wanted to walk right up to one of the cows and had that cow not backed up (and I not grabbed her from behind) she would have! She is definitely not shy either, she may play shy for about a minute upon meeting someone new, but then she's all smiles, running, dancing, singing, talking..whatever it takes to get a laugh. Avery usually follows suit, but tires of this game and is content to settle in someone's lap for a while for one-on-one snuggle time.

We had a little pool party this afternoon...the Davis triplets (from my same age group) came to play as well as my friend, Gwen (who I've known since preschool) and her family. The girls all had so much fun together and really seemed to be getting in their "groove" just when it was time for everyone to go home! I'm off to Viriginia tomorrow to visit with a couple of blogging triplet moms, so I'm very excited about that. It's kind of weird, but I take some sense of comfort in being around other triplets and triplet moms. I know many people who have lost a child in a multiple birth have a really hard time around other multiples and I fully expected that I would too...but these ladies have so embraced me and assured me that I am still a mom of triplets. I like being around them, I like being around all their kids, I like Lily and Avery to be around them...we've taught them to say "I'm a triplet" so that when we're out in public and someone says "Awwww...twins" they'll reply "I'm a tiplet".

I'll let you all know how the rest of our trip goes, but so far it's been a wonderful time!!

Grampa, Grandma Birdie and the girls on the tractor!

Grampa and his cows

Farmer Grampa

The girls pet a gussie at Murray and Esta's farm

On the Jimmy Cart with mom and Esta

Lily couldn't wait, she dove head first into the pool!

The girls had to test out the little pool before their friends came the next day to play in the BIG pool

Lily LOVES to get the eggs

Suki, Maya and Lily in the pool

Almost all the girls....Avery was off snuggling somewhere

How many little girls can sit still on a bench?

Four out of six isn't bad!

Moms and their gals