Nights Like These

It's nights like tonight...moments such as these that I feel most inadequate...overcome and overwhelmed at the enormity of the task that is raising surviving multiples.

Nights like tonight when the grief in your living child's eyes mirrors your own...when you see your daughter's own arms ache to hold something tangible to feel close to her sister in Heaven.  The confusion and the questions "Why did she get so sick?  Why did she die?  When can I see her?"  My responses sound so feeble, so empty as my mind races to choose my words to match their level of understanding and to keep fear out of the picture, all the while knowing they are watching my every move, expression and cadence in my voice.  They're searching for clues to put this puzzle together so it makes sense.  Except it doesn't make sense.

My eyes well as I listen to my daughter ask God to help Zoe know that she loves her & misses her & wants to play...then buries her face in her pillow and holds a xerox copy of her sister's handprint to her cheek.

I know those tears, those questions and the physical aches...now amplified as I watch my daughters grieve and long for their sister.  This may sound strange, but I am thankful Zoe died when my girls were young, before they could speak and ask these questions.  They didnt have to watch me fall to pieces & be unavailable to them.  I've had a few years to work on my own grief to find a place where I can grieve with them and more importantly, support them as sadness and questions come to the surface.

My own prayer tonight is to be prepared to answer what I can and to offer comfort when there is no answer.  Before that I will sweep up the broken pieces of our hearts and mop up the puddles of our tears.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

This and your FB post just broke my heart. I am so sorry this is another challenge you have been met with. So hard...pray pray pray for the wisdom and courage and He will get you through it! Lots of love.

All time favorite video of Zoe!

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Bible verses that comfort me

"Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord."
~ 2 Corinthians 5:8

"Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children....Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them"
~ Mark10:14 & 10:16

"...those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint"~ Isaiah40:31