How do you see without seeing?

She's definitely hanging around a lot lately. I wish I could clearly see her and hear her the way Avery apparently does. Some may say that Avery is developing an imaginary friend named Zoe...but I prefer not to think that. I prefer to think that Zoe is showing herself to Avery so that we'll know she's still here with us, that she's happy, and that just because she's gone in body does not mean she's gone in spirit. I do believe that children are innocent and as I've written before, their minds are clouded with experience, judgment, or opinion on this level. They don't have to meditate for hours to have clear thoughts...they simply are this clear and open, and therefore they can see far more than we give them credit for.

At OT for the girls we were sitting at a little play table, I was at one end with Avery and Lily on either side and our therapist was next to Lily leaving an empty seat next to Avery. We always sit in the same seats and Avery likes to direct me to mine (she even switches out the little kid chair for the stool the parents use, so thoughtful). Once we were all seated she then said "and Zoe sit here" and pulled out the chair next to hers. I was so glad Zoe had come to play that day and our therapist was very sweet and smiled.

A couple of days later I had the girls started in the bath and then asked Richard to take over so I could put away their laundry without them "helping" me which usually means unfolding the clothes and trying to refold them. I usually let them do this, I know it's a really good practical skill and gets them involved...but sometimes I just want to put the laundry away! Anyway, I go into the bedroom and about a minute later Avery says "Where Zoe go?" Richard asks "Was Zoe here?" Avery says "Yeah". Richard says "I don't know, where did she go?" Avery says "Oh, she's in the bedroom with Mommy."

Yesterday the girls were playing outside and didn't want to come in for dinner so we decided to just order pizza and have a picnic on the lawn. I had paper plates for everyone and Avery passed them out saying "one for Namo, one for Mommy, one for Lily, one for Avery, and one for Zoe."

Did I tell you that day we left for the egg hunt (the first one) as we were about to walk out Avery looked up at Zoe's picture on the mantle and said "Bye, bye Zoe. See you yater." And then blew her a kiss.

Today, Richard was sitting in the family room working on his computer...the girls were taking a nap. The TV was off and the remotes were on top of the stereo across the room from him. He paused in his work, looked up at Zoe's pictures and the TV volume turned on by itself.

So I know she's here, I know she's always here with us and always will be. Last night I pulled out the Ziploc bag I have with the last little shirt and pj's she wore, her paci, and her little blanket. I've kept them in a Ziploc to preserve her scent on the items. I had not opened the bag in some time but I just had to last night. I breathed her in, careful not to exhale back onto the items for fear of "tainting" her scent. But, this time I had to take a deeper breath...her scent is fading. This makes me sad...it's one more thing I'm losing that connects directly to her. I miss her, it's just that simple, I miss her.

I remember when the girls were in the NICU I had to figure out how to feel connected to my babies who I couldn't even hold. I didn't get that chance to snuggle them right after birth...we had to wait a month to hold Avery and Lily and two months to hold Zoe. I suppose that's what I'm trying to figure out all over again...to quote myself from a post long ago: I have to learn how to feel a bond that transcends physical contact.

It's hard to do...to feel connected to someone that you can't see, touch, or hear...you have to truly learn to see the small signs God sends your way letting you know your angel has not left you. Don't let anyone discount what you see as a sign...it is a sign meant just for you and no one else.

You have to learn to feel without touching...our tactile sense is just that...tactile...to touch an object. How do you feel or touch without having your baby to hold? You have to learn to feel the touch in your heart, to feel that sense of utter and complete love for your child...an emotion so strong that you do feel a physical sensation over your whole being. It is a very clear, completely unconditional, total devotion that becomes palpable and there isn't another bond quite like it with anyone else.

How do you hear your angel without hearing their unique nightime noises as they sleep? Or their giggles when they play or their squeals of joy when you walk into the room? How do you hear your child without hearing them? You hear them in words that you may read, a poem, a book, a word of scripture...sometimes, when I read the Bible or a book dealing with loss, suffering, or healing it's as though the passage was written for Zoe, about Zoe, and by Zoe. Or maybe you hear them in a song...words that speak about your very child, or your longing, or your love.

So we do this, it's not easy, it might not come when we want it to, but we can actually see our angels, feel our angels, and hear our angels. We just have to open our hearts and open our minds so we don't miss them when they speak to us.

Lessons from a two year old

Ok...so I was down this weekend. Which I'm sure is pretty evident from that last post. So, let me backtrack just a bit and tell you about the good things that happened this Easter weekend. The moments that truly filled my heart with warmth and love. You see, when I'm sad, it's hard to separate the two...the sad from the happy...and usually, when writing, the sad far outweighs the happy. But that's when I'm at the height of that emotional episode...which at least now, 14 months after Zoe has died, I can say are episodes...meaning they don't last for weeks on end.

So...believe me when I say that I thoroughly enjoyed watching Avery and Lily hunt eggs for the first time. This was the very first family Easter Egg hunt they've been to. There are 13 great-grandkids (including Zoe) all ranging in age from 2 to 14 so it was a thrill to watch them just blend right in with the family members who basically only know them through photographs and this blog. Up until now we've kept them quarantined out of fear of contracting illness like RSV. So, this was a very special day for us and I know it was especially exciting for Richard's grandmother. Since this was their first real egg hunt and the fact that they are just 2 years old, they weren't as quick to run out and grab up as many eggs as possible like the other kids who are old pros at egg hunting. They did get the hang of it but by that time most of the eggs were gone. One of our nephews, who is 12, did the most thoughtful thing. He took several of his own eggs and "hid" them in close proximity to where the girls were and he then protected them from the other kids thereby ensuring that Lily and Avery would experience the triumph of finding those eggs. He did this a couple of times and this simple and thoughtful act completely warmed my heart. To see this expression of love from a 12 year old boy was quite simply incredible!

His younger brother, our 6 year old nephew, started doing the same thing except Lily "caught" him and picked up the egg, carried it back to him and said "This Rynan's egg" and politely handed it over. (too cute!) The boys were also very sweet to trade out the candies Avery and Lily couldn't have for little toys or hershey kisses from their own stashes. I know I didn't say it enough to them, or to their mother, but I was very thankful for their sweet and loving gestures.

Egg hunt #2 came on Sunday. Of course the girls are now professional egg hunters but they still got such enjoyment out of find the eggs. Watching Lily's little legs carry her quickly from tree to tree and bush to bush with such sheer excitement was incredible. She has eagle eyes, this girl...in addition to her super-sonic hearing...she apparently has xray vision too (hee, hee). So again, we had a nice day, beautiful weather, the girls completely enjoyed themselves, and so did I. The longing for Zoe was still settled in my heart...I just couldn't stop imagining the three of them hand in hand, in my mind, Lily in her pink sear sucker, Avery in green, and Zoe in lavender (of course). What a portrait that would be...I can only imagine.

Being the most intuitive, compassionate man on the planet...my darling husband spoke to me on Monday about the depth of sorrow expressed in my body language over the weekend and that last post. He has been, and continues to be a champion to keep our family together and help me through this grief. This is an enormous job on his part and I am eternally grateful that he sees fit to continue with it...and me. I tend not to verbalize much, I find it much easier to write but no marriage can survive on the written word alone. I appreciate very much his continued attempts to better our communication and even more so, his patience with me. One of these discussions happened to occur in the girls' room while I was changing diapers. I of course could not contain my tears and Avery and Lily looked at me and were very concerned. Lily kept saying "Mommy ok. Mommy ok." To which we said "Yes, Mommy is ok, Mommy just misses Zoe sometimes and it makes her sad." After we stopped talking Avery stood up and said "Mommy talk again. Daddy talk again." We asked "Talk about what?" She said "Talk about Zoe."

Later that night, after baths, we were getting them dressed for bed and Avery was in particularly rare form. She was walking around just chattering and singing and reciting nursery rhymes. And then she said this:

She laughs and says "Av-er-we is yaffing"

She laughs again and says "Av-er-we is yaffing, Zoe is yaffing too. Zoe is happy."

Richard and I look at each other, a little stunned, as there has been no talk since the morning in
reference to sadness or happiness and Zoe.

Then she says "Zoe has a kitt-nen"

We ask what color

She says "B-wown and pink ears."

She then goes back to dancing around and singing and then settles in Richard's lap and says:
"Don't be sad. Don't be sad, Mommy don't be upset anymore."

I was speechless. Zoe has this way of letting me know she's here and that she's ok at the moments when I need to hear it most. I love that she and God saw fit to whisper in Avery's ear this time...

It's happening again...

...that subtle anxiety in the pit of my stomach that likes to come around every now and then. I'm sure it's because of the holiday that is upon us. I'm sure that's why I got weepy when talking to Mema today as she said "We just need Zoe"(we were both missing her). And again tonight as I laid down in between Avery and Lily, after spending a while calming their sugar high, I just wished so badly Zoe was here with us. This longing, this aching in my body is still here...it's not leaving. Some days are better than others...and even on the bad days I can function much better than in months past (that's progress right?)...but oh my goodness I want to hold her again.

I watched some video we have of her from August 2007 until a week or so after she came home from the NICU. I watched us finally bring her home...a triumphant day to be sure. I watched as I gave her one last bath in the NICU, and tried desperately to remember what it felt like to wash her hair and soap up her little fat rolls on her arms and legs. If I try really hard I can still feel the thickness of her soft curly hair on the very end of my fingertips and I can almost remember what it felt like to hold that chubby little arm and kiss those sweet, round, steroid swollen cheeks. I watched as I sat in the wheelchair, ready to take her home from NICU after 9 1/2 long, long, long months...I listened as I said "I can't believe we're actually doing this! I can't believe she's actually coming home." Happy tears rolling down my cheeks, Zoe dressed in that precious little jumper daddy found for her with the little pink rosebuds all over it...and that huge smile on my face, the joy in my voice and in Richard's voice. I had no idea I'd only have her home for four months. No clue in the world that our lives, which had already changed forever, were going to be changed forever yet again. I wanted to scream at myself in the video - "Make sure you're not just running around giving meds and ordering medical supplies...let someone else do it...ENJOY your daughter...your time is limited...savor every minute and never forget."

I'll get through this anxiety-riddled moment, I even did it today without taking an extra med (that's progress too, right?). I know I'll see Zoe again, I know she's perfect and whole...I know, I know, I know. But none of that will ever replace my longing for her or make this ache subside.

Avery and Lily do bring absolute and complete pure joy into our lives and I thank God every single day that I still have them here with us. They are incredible little girls and seem to be growing by leaps and bounds these days...I want to hold them down and say..."please just stay this way for a little longer, please!" Even looking at those videos when they were 8-10 months old, that wasn't that long ago and that's it...no more babies in this house, we've got little girls now who ask for "caka-mo-yee" with their "ka-chips" (guacamole and chips) or they say, after eating a treasured M&M "I yove ca-choc-o-yet" (I love chocolate). Some other cute phrases said lately "I'm all set", "ooo, a kicker! ooo anover kicker" (sticker), or Lily when she says "I'm a gonna go hide, I'm a gonna go hide." And today, watching them at their first Family Easter Egg hunt, they were having so much fun. All the little cousins where running around and Lily wanted so badly to get right in the middle of their game of keep-away. As the crowd of children ran across the grass Lily ran towards them a few feet and then ran around in a circle and smiled...like saying "Look Mommy, I'm big too, I can run with the big kids!" And the way she followed the next youngest cousin around who is 4...if she started picking pebbles, Lily started gathering pebbles, if she jumped in the boat in the garage, Lily stood and stared at her and climbed up on to the trailer (much lower than the boat), if she sat on the swing, Lily wanted to push her and then she said "I yove Ma-yo-wee" (Mallory). Avery on the other hand was inside most of the time with Mema "cooking" in the playroom and then later telling her Auntie Roxanne to "cake care of the kittnens" (take care of the kittens, little 2 week old wild ones). These girls are amazing, they are beautiful and wonderful and I treasure each moment with them and pray that I get to keep them as long as I'm alive. So please, if you're blessed enough to have your children alive and in person with you...I know it's hard not to get caught up in the whirlwind that is our lives...but make sure you take a moment to savor your children. We have no guarantee that we get to keep them here with us.

Spring is here

That last few weeks our weather has been horrendous! Downpouring rain for days! You'd think we lived in the Pacific Northwest! Needless to say I was a little worried about our Zoe Rose Memorial Foundation "Swing for the Roses" golf tournament. In fact I promised Richard I wouldn't even look at the weather channel the entire week! Wouldn't you know...the day was PERFECT!!! A little chilly in the early morning, but bright beautiful sunshine, not too hot, not too cold. We had 26 registered players...12 phantom players...AND a corporate sponsor!!! Drinks for players and volunteers were donated by a dear friend and we got great prizes donated by the PGA Tour Superstore. Woohoo!!!! We are so excited and so grateful for everyone who donated, played, and volunteered. I think the players had a good time throughout the day and I have to say the whole day ran so smoothly. Our fundraising committee (thanks Richard, Jason, and Melissa) chose an excellent course that hosts many tournaments so their tournament coordinator really helped to have everything so organized, I often felt like I didn't have anything to do other than check on each of my volunteer groups that were stationed around the course. We are already planning for next year so we can make it bigger AND BETTER!!! Oh, and zoe made an appearance (in ladybug form) on Richard's putter. He picked her up and she rode on his sleeve for a little while.

As soon as I run all the numbers I'll post our exact figures and with the permission of those that played I'll post some photos and the names of those that contributed. Before long we'll be getting ready for our next event...the candle lighting remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness in October. Stay tuned for details.....

We got home the afternoon of the tournament and had a bunch of lavender and white balloons left over that we thought the girls could enjoy for a little while. Avery grabbed them (they had weight on them) and gave them a kiss and then tried to release them saying "bayoons for Zoe"...it was the most precious thing I ever saw. So we untied the weight and she and Lily both gave them kisses and sent them up to their sister. So sweet!

Easter is this Sunday and for the last two Easters that day has been quite special for us. Easter of 2007 was the very first day we had all three girls in the very same room (mind you they were three months old at that time). Last Easter, while we missed Zoe terribly and wished so badly she was there hunting eggs with Avery and Lily in the yard...it was a special day because Avery took her very first steps! I wonder what this Easter surprise will be??? We'll hopefully take the girls to Richard's grandmothers on Saturday for the family Easter Egg Hunt which the have not yet participated in. Still being cautious about RSV season and their general health we're waiting to make sure no one has been sick. If so then they'll just have to go before everyone else so Mema can watch them run around in the yard in their Easter dresses.

I had a wonderful dream last night...one of those dreams with tons of people you know milling about. Everyone seemed to know what they were there for and I guess I did too but at the moment I can't possibly tell you why I was in this large place. It was almost like I was back at camp in the dining hall or something. It felt like a convention or conference of some sort but the people that were there were all people in my life now and in the past with no real connection like work, church, etc. Anyway, I was always carrying a baby with me where ever I went, one of them was always strapped to my back or riding on my hip while I was busy running around doing whatever it was I was supposed to be doing. Later on I realized that Zoe was in my lap. She was wearing a little green and white checked outfit, was the age that Avery and Lily are now and she was just grinning that Zoe grin and giggling. I also realized that she didn't have any oxygen or feeding tubes...usually, even in my dreams, I still dream of her with all her "equipment". But in this dream she was totally free of all of that. I then found myself talking with a doctor who was telling me she had to consult with another doctor because she didn't understand how Zoe was dying the night before and this morning her lungs showed no sign of infection. She said it didn't make sense, there was no logical explanation for this. But there was Zoe, in my lap, happy and smiling. A metaphor? (re-read my post two posts ago) I don't know, I was just happy to be visited by my angel again. I miss her so very much. I think she knows when I get to these points of feeling desperate to see her and hold her so she'll find a way to let me know she's still here with me. It's not the same as holding her in the flesh, but I don't have that luxury anymore. I have to settle for dreams and signs and visions and ladybug messages from friends and family. I love each and every one of these and replay them and reread them hundreds of times...but it's just not the same as holding your child in your arms...there is nothing in the world quite like that and nothing can replace it.