How do you see without seeing?

She's definitely hanging around a lot lately. I wish I could clearly see her and hear her the way Avery apparently does. Some may say that Avery is developing an imaginary friend named Zoe...but I prefer not to think that. I prefer to think that Zoe is showing herself to Avery so that we'll know she's still here with us, that she's happy, and that just because she's gone in body does not mean she's gone in spirit. I do believe that children are innocent and as I've written before, their minds are clouded with experience, judgment, or opinion on this level. They don't have to meditate for hours to have clear thoughts...they simply are this clear and open, and therefore they can see far more than we give them credit for.

At OT for the girls we were sitting at a little play table, I was at one end with Avery and Lily on either side and our therapist was next to Lily leaving an empty seat next to Avery. We always sit in the same seats and Avery likes to direct me to mine (she even switches out the little kid chair for the stool the parents use, so thoughtful). Once we were all seated she then said "and Zoe sit here" and pulled out the chair next to hers. I was so glad Zoe had come to play that day and our therapist was very sweet and smiled.

A couple of days later I had the girls started in the bath and then asked Richard to take over so I could put away their laundry without them "helping" me which usually means unfolding the clothes and trying to refold them. I usually let them do this, I know it's a really good practical skill and gets them involved...but sometimes I just want to put the laundry away! Anyway, I go into the bedroom and about a minute later Avery says "Where Zoe go?" Richard asks "Was Zoe here?" Avery says "Yeah". Richard says "I don't know, where did she go?" Avery says "Oh, she's in the bedroom with Mommy."

Yesterday the girls were playing outside and didn't want to come in for dinner so we decided to just order pizza and have a picnic on the lawn. I had paper plates for everyone and Avery passed them out saying "one for Namo, one for Mommy, one for Lily, one for Avery, and one for Zoe."

Did I tell you that day we left for the egg hunt (the first one) as we were about to walk out Avery looked up at Zoe's picture on the mantle and said "Bye, bye Zoe. See you yater." And then blew her a kiss.

Today, Richard was sitting in the family room working on his computer...the girls were taking a nap. The TV was off and the remotes were on top of the stereo across the room from him. He paused in his work, looked up at Zoe's pictures and the TV volume turned on by itself.

So I know she's here, I know she's always here with us and always will be. Last night I pulled out the Ziploc bag I have with the last little shirt and pj's she wore, her paci, and her little blanket. I've kept them in a Ziploc to preserve her scent on the items. I had not opened the bag in some time but I just had to last night. I breathed her in, careful not to exhale back onto the items for fear of "tainting" her scent. But, this time I had to take a deeper breath...her scent is fading. This makes me sad...it's one more thing I'm losing that connects directly to her. I miss her, it's just that simple, I miss her.

I remember when the girls were in the NICU I had to figure out how to feel connected to my babies who I couldn't even hold. I didn't get that chance to snuggle them right after birth...we had to wait a month to hold Avery and Lily and two months to hold Zoe. I suppose that's what I'm trying to figure out all over again...to quote myself from a post long ago: I have to learn how to feel a bond that transcends physical contact.

It's hard to do...to feel connected to someone that you can't see, touch, or hear...you have to truly learn to see the small signs God sends your way letting you know your angel has not left you. Don't let anyone discount what you see as a sign...it is a sign meant just for you and no one else.

You have to learn to feel without touching...our tactile sense is just that...tactile...to touch an object. How do you feel or touch without having your baby to hold? You have to learn to feel the touch in your heart, to feel that sense of utter and complete love for your child...an emotion so strong that you do feel a physical sensation over your whole being. It is a very clear, completely unconditional, total devotion that becomes palpable and there isn't another bond quite like it with anyone else.

How do you hear your angel without hearing their unique nightime noises as they sleep? Or their giggles when they play or their squeals of joy when you walk into the room? How do you hear your child without hearing them? You hear them in words that you may read, a poem, a book, a word of scripture...sometimes, when I read the Bible or a book dealing with loss, suffering, or healing it's as though the passage was written for Zoe, about Zoe, and by Zoe. Or maybe you hear them in a song...words that speak about your very child, or your longing, or your love.

So we do this, it's not easy, it might not come when we want it to, but we can actually see our angels, feel our angels, and hear our angels. We just have to open our hearts and open our minds so we don't miss them when they speak to us.