Spring is here

That last few weeks our weather has been horrendous! Downpouring rain for days! You'd think we lived in the Pacific Northwest! Needless to say I was a little worried about our Zoe Rose Memorial Foundation "Swing for the Roses" golf tournament. In fact I promised Richard I wouldn't even look at the weather channel the entire week! Wouldn't you know...the day was PERFECT!!! A little chilly in the early morning, but bright beautiful sunshine, not too hot, not too cold. We had 26 registered players...12 phantom players...AND a corporate sponsor!!! Drinks for players and volunteers were donated by a dear friend and we got great prizes donated by the PGA Tour Superstore. Woohoo!!!! We are so excited and so grateful for everyone who donated, played, and volunteered. I think the players had a good time throughout the day and I have to say the whole day ran so smoothly. Our fundraising committee (thanks Richard, Jason, and Melissa) chose an excellent course that hosts many tournaments so their tournament coordinator really helped to have everything so organized, I often felt like I didn't have anything to do other than check on each of my volunteer groups that were stationed around the course. We are already planning for next year so we can make it bigger AND BETTER!!! Oh, and zoe made an appearance (in ladybug form) on Richard's putter. He picked her up and she rode on his sleeve for a little while.

As soon as I run all the numbers I'll post our exact figures and with the permission of those that played I'll post some photos and the names of those that contributed. Before long we'll be getting ready for our next event...the candle lighting remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness in October. Stay tuned for details.....

We got home the afternoon of the tournament and had a bunch of lavender and white balloons left over that we thought the girls could enjoy for a little while. Avery grabbed them (they had weight on them) and gave them a kiss and then tried to release them saying "bayoons for Zoe"...it was the most precious thing I ever saw. So we untied the weight and she and Lily both gave them kisses and sent them up to their sister. So sweet!

Easter is this Sunday and for the last two Easters that day has been quite special for us. Easter of 2007 was the very first day we had all three girls in the very same room (mind you they were three months old at that time). Last Easter, while we missed Zoe terribly and wished so badly she was there hunting eggs with Avery and Lily in the yard...it was a special day because Avery took her very first steps! I wonder what this Easter surprise will be??? We'll hopefully take the girls to Richard's grandmothers on Saturday for the family Easter Egg Hunt which the have not yet participated in. Still being cautious about RSV season and their general health we're waiting to make sure no one has been sick. If so then they'll just have to go before everyone else so Mema can watch them run around in the yard in their Easter dresses.

I had a wonderful dream last night...one of those dreams with tons of people you know milling about. Everyone seemed to know what they were there for and I guess I did too but at the moment I can't possibly tell you why I was in this large place. It was almost like I was back at camp in the dining hall or something. It felt like a convention or conference of some sort but the people that were there were all people in my life now and in the past with no real connection like work, church, etc. Anyway, I was always carrying a baby with me where ever I went, one of them was always strapped to my back or riding on my hip while I was busy running around doing whatever it was I was supposed to be doing. Later on I realized that Zoe was in my lap. She was wearing a little green and white checked outfit, was the age that Avery and Lily are now and she was just grinning that Zoe grin and giggling. I also realized that she didn't have any oxygen or feeding tubes...usually, even in my dreams, I still dream of her with all her "equipment". But in this dream she was totally free of all of that. I then found myself talking with a doctor who was telling me she had to consult with another doctor because she didn't understand how Zoe was dying the night before and this morning her lungs showed no sign of infection. She said it didn't make sense, there was no logical explanation for this. But there was Zoe, in my lap, happy and smiling. A metaphor? (re-read my post two posts ago) I don't know, I was just happy to be visited by my angel again. I miss her so very much. I think she knows when I get to these points of feeling desperate to see her and hold her so she'll find a way to let me know she's still here with me. It's not the same as holding her in the flesh, but I don't have that luxury anymore. I have to settle for dreams and signs and visions and ladybug messages from friends and family. I love each and every one of these and replay them and reread them hundreds of times...but it's just not the same as holding your child in your arms...there is nothing in the world quite like that and nothing can replace it.