It's been a while since I last posted so I know I'm due. I'm working on my year anniversary post, we're now only 18 days away. I've had a stretch of difficult, just kind of floating through the motions-type days and I've had a stretch of a few ok-i'm-gonna-make-it days. I've also had some really great things start to happen with the foundation that are very exciting. Our website is now officially being designed, we are hoping to have "phase 1" up and running on or around February 16th (Zoe's angelversary) and then we'll phase in each component. We have so much we want to cover, I think the website will constantly be an organic, always updated entity in and of itself. We want to make sure our information is credible, accurate, and helpful. In fact here are some things I'm looking for so if you'd care to write an article, volunteer in some way, or share your story or resources you have found helpful we'd love it!
The Zoe Rose Memorial Foundation is a non-profit entity that will serve to help, support, and educate families of micro-preemies through all stages of life from the diagnosis of high risk pregnancy, through being in the NICU, transitioning home, and ongoing throughout childhood. We will also have a focus on multiples, bereavement support for parents who lose a child or infant at any stage in life beginning in utero and beyond. If you are a parent of a child or children born at 32 weeks and earlier and would like to share your story or a part of your story at any of the above mentioned stages that would be great. If you happen to be a medical professional that works with families, expectant moms, micro-preemie infants, or surviving micro-preemies I would love to hear from you too. I am planning to eventually have a monthly feature article that will hit a topic of interest for parents of micro-preemies, such as what to do if you can't breastfeed your child, how do you bond? How do you give your child the benefits of breastfeeding even if it isn't possible? Or if your child is now 5 years old or 8 or 10 or 15 and has special needs due to being born extremely prematurely I'd love to hear from you about the resources you found or had to fight for that have been helpful either in the private or public sector. Are you a high risk OB or perinatologist? Tell me how we can best disseminate our information so that your patients can take advantage of a network of support and resources?I would love, love, love your input!
Regarding the foundation we'll be having our first annual fundraising golf tournament the first weekend of April...details will be forthcoming so stay tuned and please come and enjoy a day of fun and golf!
And....Maureen from MOST made a great connection for the foundation by introducing me to a gentleman that is spearheading the formation of a Georgia Preemie Health Network and we are going to be a part of this undertaking from the beginning! It is so very exciting when a group of professionals can come together for a common goal...supporting and educating parents and clinicians who care for premature infants. AWESOME!!!
Maureen also responded quickly to a suggestion I made on the MOST website for a special group forum for those of us with triplets or more who have lost one or more of our children and are raising one or more survivors. It was so cool, I put the comment in the email suggestion form and maybe two days later I got a email response that it was good idea. I offered to co-moderate the forum and now, about two or so weeks after the suggestion was made it's up and running and available for the members of MOST who are dealing with this. Again...AWESOME! Thank you Maureen and thank you MOST! I don't know what I would have done without MOST, I happened to join about a week before the girls were born and it was and has continued to be an incredible source of support and information. If you have triplets or more...you MUST join MOST!!! You must!
I also just wanted to send a thank you out to all of you who have posted and shared your personal stories of loss (and ladybug sightings). I know how important it is for me to have someone give me an open opportunity to talk about Zoe and to honestly and truly want to know about her, about us, about the day she died, the life she lived, just anything about her at all. It means so much to me, so I am honored that you would share these stories with me. My heart is very full to know that I have created a safe and supportive space for you to do that. I have always wanted to be totally, brutally honest about my life on this blog. To be authentic, not gloss over the bad and the not so good stuff with smoke and mirrors but to truly share my life, my thoughts, my feelings...it is important for me, because believe it or not, I'm not the greatest, most confident speaker, but writing has become an outlet for me, a type of therapy and a source of healing. I have come to a place where writing helps me just let it out, it helps me process these complex, often competing, emotions that swirl around in my head. It helps me express my lowest lows without fear and has helped me to see the person I want to be. I don't want the last 5 years of my life to make me bitter...and I especially don't want Zoe's death to turn me away from life. As Jeanine tells me over and over...God took Zoe, not me...He's got work for me to do here and I need to honor and respect that. I need to be the mom that Avery and Lily deserve and need. I need to be the wife that Richard deserves and needs. I need to be the daughter, the sister, the friend that all those close to me deserve and need. But I also need a lot myself...I need God in my life to carry me through these times when the thought of having to live through one more day with this pain is more than I can bear. And I need Him to walk beside me and guide me when I can actually get up on my own two feet and do the work He has set out for me to do. I have the desire to BE all of this...to DO all of this...I'm not there yet and I know I'm human...I'm not perfect. I will fall back, I will relapse with my grief...Zoe only died a minute ago, a minute ago. I have to shed this sense that people (and I have no definition for who I think these people are) are expecting me to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix, dust myself off and soar off into the world and never look back. That I am not. I am a mom who desperately wanted children, had them way too early, and lost one of these precious, most beautiful little girls. I am human, I cry, I wail, I make mistakes, I'm not happy all the time and sometimes, yes, I do just want to have a big old pity party and I want the world to stop and I want everyone else to sit and cry with me and say what a tragedy it is that Zoe died. I want everyone I know to miss her as much as I do and I want the people who didn't meet her in person to miss her as if they spent each day with her like I did. Sometimes I want people to really understand what it's like to leave your baby at the hospital and to know what it's really like to have to ask permission to touch your baby...for MONTHS!!! But, again, like Jeanine says to me...I can't make people remember Zoe, I can't make someone who hasn't gone through this know what it's like to be a NICU mom, I can't force people to miss her like I do. I have to trust in God that the people who need to be touched by her and inspired by her and helped by her will be.
I used to think the whole infertility thing, the NICU life, that all of this was a lesson in patience. But it's not...it's a lesson in faith. Truly having faith, faith down to your core, deep inside your soul...faith that when tragedy strikes...it is God's will, it is His plan...and His plan is good. I have to remember that my view of my life and my world are very shortsighted...God sees all...knows all...and IS all. I have to have faith. And I also have to have compassion for myself that I am not made to be perfect and when I slip or backtrack it does not in any way make me less of a person, less of who I am...it makes me human.
I also just want to say that I am honored that you find my writing interesting and compelling enough to keep reading and that you in turn take a moment to share your life with me. I appreciate you all, I appreciate your comments, I appreciate your support, I appreciate how difficult this life on Earth can be.
1.28.2009
1.09.2009
Angels among us? Absolutely!!
Ever since Zoe died I have prayed and prayed for God to send messages to me, to let her come visit me, to let her appear in my dreams so that I can see her again, touch her, feel her, kiss her...all the things I long to do. I know I've written some of this before, but please just bear with me even if it is a bit repetitive. You see, I finally feel that my prayers are being answered...especially in the last month. I want to share with you the "Zoe moments" that have happened to me personally as well as to those around me who cared for and loved her and even to those who never had a chance to meet her and yet are touched deeply by her spirit.
Back in August I think I may have posted about an occurrence that happened at our home. My darling husband and I had been able to get away for a night and left the girls at home in the care of very willing relatives who jumped at the chance for 24 hours straight with Avery and Lily! The girls were asleep in the nursery and our caregivers were asleep in the guest room down the hall with the video monitor on. Some time in the middle of the night she woke up because she heard something, she looked at the monitor and saw not two dark headed babies in the bed (Avery and Lily share a full size bed), but she saw three! She could hardly believe what she was seeing and thought for sure it must be some odd shadow or a pillow or blanket or something. So she got up, went into the nursery and checked...but no, there was nothing in that spot next to Avery. By this time she was wide awake and looked back at the monitor, and there was that third baby! She said it looked like Zoe...the shape of her body was very clear, dark round head of hair, just sleeping next to Avery. Every time I look at the monitor now, I pray I'll see that third baby!
Then in October, on the night of our candle lighting remembrance ceremony...the nurse who admitted Zoe to the NICU had an experience with her three year old son. They were driving home and she happened to look at the clock and saw that it was 7 pm and that we would be lighting the candles for all the little babies who have died too soon. She was thinking about us and about Zoe and just then her son said "Mom, where's Zoe?" She thought for a minute that maybe she had been thinking out loud, but then thought no...she hadn't said a thing in 2-3 minutes. So she asked him (knowing exactly what he had said) "Who honey?" he then said "Zoe"...and she replied "You mean Keira's daughter?" he said "yes". She then talked to him about how Zoe had been sick and that God needed her in Heaven.
That same weekend there was an occurrence in the NICU where Zoe had been that had some of the nurses talking about whether Zoe's spirit might still be there helping the sick little ones on to Heaven.
This was all so heartwarming to hear, to know that she's around, that she's here in our house, snuggling with her sisters, that she's speaking to young children and guiding other little angels Home...but I still had not received my sign, my visit, my dream. Sure we've had the wacky electronics turning on or changing channels or the DVD door opening for no reason or the toy in the playroom that keeps going off even though no one is in there...but are these signs from her? I don't know...in case they are I always say hello to Zoe...but I think she knew I wasn't really convinced, that she needed to do something that would get my attention, that would verify the link between she and I specifically.
Ladybugs have always been a Zoe symbol for me...there was this little ladybug toy that she loved, always reached for it, sucked on it's head, that kind of thing...so if I see a ladybug I think of her and say hello. A few weeks before Christmas I was decorating the Christmas tree one Sunday night and had just finished putting on the lights when a little bug flew out of the tree and sat on the ceiling right above the tree. I thought maybe it was a moth attracted to the lights, but I looked closer and it was a little ladybug! Now I don't know about you, but I can't say that I've ever seen a ladybug in December before. Sure we've had the summertime infestations, but a single ladybug in December seemed just a little odd to me. I said hello to Zoe and thanked her for joining me in decorating the tree. Well that little ladybug sat up there above the tree and did not move the entire time I was hanging ornaments. It was still there in the same spot the next morning when I showed Avery and Lily...after breakfast it was gone.
The next day the girls and my mom were outside in the playhouse and there again was a ladybug...hmmm...I guess Zoe doesn't want to miss out on any of the fun!
I posted this on one of my message board groups...a group of women who have loved me, supported me, and held me up through the last year. I have met a few of them in person and correspond with many of them on a weekly basis. We all have triplets (or more) between 2 and 2 and half years old and we are a lively bunch! They never tire of me talking about Zoe and always send sweet messages. They have also continued to affirm that yes, I am STILL a triplet mom! Ever since I posted my ladybug stories...a few of them have sent back ladybug stories of their own that have occurred only since I posted the stories. Always a single ladybug...one landing on a mom's hand while feeding her kids, another one spotted by a mom's little girl, and yet another on an herb plant in the kitchen...everyone always confirms that they've never seen one in the house at this time of year. Pretty cool that Zoe's making the rounds with those that have been so supportive!
I then got an email a few days ago from a friend...her sister-in-law was pregnant with her first child and at 18 weeks went for an ultrasound only to find out the devastating news that the baby had such extensive abnormalities that there was no way it would survive outside the womb. Around this time, my friend had a dream about Zoe, she couldn't remember the details of the dream but distinctly knew that Zoe was there. About a week later, a single ladybug showed up at my friends house. She showed it to her kids and then put it outside on a post on the porch so the kids didn't squish it by accident. She said that the ladybug stayed there for three days and on the third day her sister-in-law went into preterm labor and delivered her stillborn baby. She believes the ladybug was Zoe, there to help guide that little baby into Heaven.
Around the time that I got the previous email I had a dream about Zoe...kind of. It was one of those times when you're drifting in and out of sleep and you kind of start dreaming about the actual situation you're in. In this case I had laid down with the girls to help them nap and was waiting to here my mom come in the front door so I could get up and get some work done. I remember hearing the door open and close and then I thought I sat up and saw something out in the hall. Apparently I was still asleep because I go out into the hall and there is this little kid...smiling at me, I look at this baby and I know it's Zoe and I reach out but it runs away, then it comes back and it's a different little baby, but I still know it's Zoe. Again I reach out and it runs away and again comes back and is a different baby. This happened a few times and I was getting frustrated because I desperately wanted to hold this child...it was Zoe after all even if the skin color, hair color, and eye color weren't the same. Finally she got close enough and I grabbed her and held her and it was her...I felt her, I felt the weight of her body, I didn't want to move, I didn't want the moment to ever end.
Remember the NICU nurse whose three year old son asked about Zoe in October? Well she had a little baby girl in the middle of December. A few days after coming home the baby stopped breathing. Mom did CPR and got her breathing again and the baby was rushed to the PICU at the same Children's Hospital where Zoe spent her last 24 hours. It turned out that the little girl was septic and had RSV and was very sick. A few days into her oxygen and antibiotic treatments her mom emailed me...she said that she had laid down to rest a while and as she did she felt a very distinct weight on her back, as if she was being hugged. She said she knew it was Zoe, she just felt her. She asked which room Zoe had been in as she wanted to walk by the room to try to "feel" Zoe again. She then told me that they were in room 11...ZOE WAS IN ROOM 11!!! I started crying and had chills running up and down my spine...Zoe was there watching over that little baby girl and comforting this same mom who kept Zoe alive the day she was born. I find this particularly amazing because this nurse has now had two different experiences with Zoe's spirit.
Last year I got a very sweet letter from a friend of a friend expressing her sadness at our loss of Zoe. She told me she had been following my blog since the girls were born and was distraught when she read the post about Zoe's death. One of her daughters saw her crying at her computer and asked what was wrong. She then said in her letter to me "how do you explain the death of a baby to your child?" I don't know what she told her daughter, but she then told me that her daughter gave her an answer. This young girl said "I think God needed Zoe in Heaven to help watch over all the other little babies." By what has been shared with me in the last month I'd say she was spot on!
I am so thankful for each and every "Zoe moment" whether I am the one experiencing it or I experience it through another person. I see that Zoe is a very busy little girl in Heaven and that like she did on Earth, she is continuing to extend her love to all those around...leaving a little part of herself with each person she touches. I thank God not only for these moments, but also that He has helped me to open my mind and open my heart so that I can recognize these moments. Maybe they've been happening all along, but I've been so blocked by my guilt and self-hate that I haven't been able to truly see them. I am finally beginning to shed these negative feelings, to accept that any decisions that I may have made differently were I able to relive the last weeks of Zoe's life...it wouldn't have made a difference because I was not in control those weeks or days or hours...and I am not in control now.
We've recently started going to a new church and we really like the preacher a lot. He and his wife have been so kind to us in welcoming us into the church and continuing to pray for us as we move through these difficult months. He has recently been preaching about the fact that we don't truly see God in huge, big ways...but it is actually in the ignoble that we truly see God...so the visit from a single ladybug may not be Earth shattering, but I see God in that little ladybug, I see a gift from Him that my angel daughter is touching peoples hearts, caring for their loved ones, comforting the weary and tired...continuing on a path of giving of herself and showing me that she is here with me and that this is what I need to do here as well.
**Note: Since I posted this I was reminded of another Zoe moment that a friend of mine had a few months back. Being the wonderful friend that she is, she has an alarm set on her phone for the 16th of every month...knowing that this day each month means something to me she always calls, sends an email or a text just to say she's thinking about me or praying for us. It is truly a very thoughtful gesture and one that means so much to me. Well...I think it was the 14th or maybe the 15th of the month and she was having a particularly difficult evening when all of a sudden her phone started going off. She said it was not the normal ring or normal alarm tone and when she looked at her phone it simply said "Zoe Sorrells". She said it made her smile and made her stop for a moment and feel that everything was in fact going to be okay. Bear in mind that it was NOT the 16th...it wasn't even close to midnight on the 15th. This same friend also has a young daughter who never met Zoe, but knows that she is Heaven and often talks about Zoe...I want to say that maybe she named one of her dolls Zoe or maybe she played with three dolls and said they were her triplets, I can't remember exactly. Awfully sweet and yet again a reminder to me that Zoe is quite close by!
Back in August I think I may have posted about an occurrence that happened at our home. My darling husband and I had been able to get away for a night and left the girls at home in the care of very willing relatives who jumped at the chance for 24 hours straight with Avery and Lily! The girls were asleep in the nursery and our caregivers were asleep in the guest room down the hall with the video monitor on. Some time in the middle of the night she woke up because she heard something, she looked at the monitor and saw not two dark headed babies in the bed (Avery and Lily share a full size bed), but she saw three! She could hardly believe what she was seeing and thought for sure it must be some odd shadow or a pillow or blanket or something. So she got up, went into the nursery and checked...but no, there was nothing in that spot next to Avery. By this time she was wide awake and looked back at the monitor, and there was that third baby! She said it looked like Zoe...the shape of her body was very clear, dark round head of hair, just sleeping next to Avery. Every time I look at the monitor now, I pray I'll see that third baby!
Then in October, on the night of our candle lighting remembrance ceremony...the nurse who admitted Zoe to the NICU had an experience with her three year old son. They were driving home and she happened to look at the clock and saw that it was 7 pm and that we would be lighting the candles for all the little babies who have died too soon. She was thinking about us and about Zoe and just then her son said "Mom, where's Zoe?" She thought for a minute that maybe she had been thinking out loud, but then thought no...she hadn't said a thing in 2-3 minutes. So she asked him (knowing exactly what he had said) "Who honey?" he then said "Zoe"...and she replied "You mean Keira's daughter?" he said "yes". She then talked to him about how Zoe had been sick and that God needed her in Heaven.
That same weekend there was an occurrence in the NICU where Zoe had been that had some of the nurses talking about whether Zoe's spirit might still be there helping the sick little ones on to Heaven.
This was all so heartwarming to hear, to know that she's around, that she's here in our house, snuggling with her sisters, that she's speaking to young children and guiding other little angels Home...but I still had not received my sign, my visit, my dream. Sure we've had the wacky electronics turning on or changing channels or the DVD door opening for no reason or the toy in the playroom that keeps going off even though no one is in there...but are these signs from her? I don't know...in case they are I always say hello to Zoe...but I think she knew I wasn't really convinced, that she needed to do something that would get my attention, that would verify the link between she and I specifically.
Ladybugs have always been a Zoe symbol for me...there was this little ladybug toy that she loved, always reached for it, sucked on it's head, that kind of thing...so if I see a ladybug I think of her and say hello. A few weeks before Christmas I was decorating the Christmas tree one Sunday night and had just finished putting on the lights when a little bug flew out of the tree and sat on the ceiling right above the tree. I thought maybe it was a moth attracted to the lights, but I looked closer and it was a little ladybug! Now I don't know about you, but I can't say that I've ever seen a ladybug in December before. Sure we've had the summertime infestations, but a single ladybug in December seemed just a little odd to me. I said hello to Zoe and thanked her for joining me in decorating the tree. Well that little ladybug sat up there above the tree and did not move the entire time I was hanging ornaments. It was still there in the same spot the next morning when I showed Avery and Lily...after breakfast it was gone.
The next day the girls and my mom were outside in the playhouse and there again was a ladybug...hmmm...I guess Zoe doesn't want to miss out on any of the fun!
I posted this on one of my message board groups...a group of women who have loved me, supported me, and held me up through the last year. I have met a few of them in person and correspond with many of them on a weekly basis. We all have triplets (or more) between 2 and 2 and half years old and we are a lively bunch! They never tire of me talking about Zoe and always send sweet messages. They have also continued to affirm that yes, I am STILL a triplet mom! Ever since I posted my ladybug stories...a few of them have sent back ladybug stories of their own that have occurred only since I posted the stories. Always a single ladybug...one landing on a mom's hand while feeding her kids, another one spotted by a mom's little girl, and yet another on an herb plant in the kitchen...everyone always confirms that they've never seen one in the house at this time of year. Pretty cool that Zoe's making the rounds with those that have been so supportive!
I then got an email a few days ago from a friend...her sister-in-law was pregnant with her first child and at 18 weeks went for an ultrasound only to find out the devastating news that the baby had such extensive abnormalities that there was no way it would survive outside the womb. Around this time, my friend had a dream about Zoe, she couldn't remember the details of the dream but distinctly knew that Zoe was there. About a week later, a single ladybug showed up at my friends house. She showed it to her kids and then put it outside on a post on the porch so the kids didn't squish it by accident. She said that the ladybug stayed there for three days and on the third day her sister-in-law went into preterm labor and delivered her stillborn baby. She believes the ladybug was Zoe, there to help guide that little baby into Heaven.
Around the time that I got the previous email I had a dream about Zoe...kind of. It was one of those times when you're drifting in and out of sleep and you kind of start dreaming about the actual situation you're in. In this case I had laid down with the girls to help them nap and was waiting to here my mom come in the front door so I could get up and get some work done. I remember hearing the door open and close and then I thought I sat up and saw something out in the hall. Apparently I was still asleep because I go out into the hall and there is this little kid...smiling at me, I look at this baby and I know it's Zoe and I reach out but it runs away, then it comes back and it's a different little baby, but I still know it's Zoe. Again I reach out and it runs away and again comes back and is a different baby. This happened a few times and I was getting frustrated because I desperately wanted to hold this child...it was Zoe after all even if the skin color, hair color, and eye color weren't the same. Finally she got close enough and I grabbed her and held her and it was her...I felt her, I felt the weight of her body, I didn't want to move, I didn't want the moment to ever end.
Remember the NICU nurse whose three year old son asked about Zoe in October? Well she had a little baby girl in the middle of December. A few days after coming home the baby stopped breathing. Mom did CPR and got her breathing again and the baby was rushed to the PICU at the same Children's Hospital where Zoe spent her last 24 hours. It turned out that the little girl was septic and had RSV and was very sick. A few days into her oxygen and antibiotic treatments her mom emailed me...she said that she had laid down to rest a while and as she did she felt a very distinct weight on her back, as if she was being hugged. She said she knew it was Zoe, she just felt her. She asked which room Zoe had been in as she wanted to walk by the room to try to "feel" Zoe again. She then told me that they were in room 11...ZOE WAS IN ROOM 11!!! I started crying and had chills running up and down my spine...Zoe was there watching over that little baby girl and comforting this same mom who kept Zoe alive the day she was born. I find this particularly amazing because this nurse has now had two different experiences with Zoe's spirit.
Last year I got a very sweet letter from a friend of a friend expressing her sadness at our loss of Zoe. She told me she had been following my blog since the girls were born and was distraught when she read the post about Zoe's death. One of her daughters saw her crying at her computer and asked what was wrong. She then said in her letter to me "how do you explain the death of a baby to your child?" I don't know what she told her daughter, but she then told me that her daughter gave her an answer. This young girl said "I think God needed Zoe in Heaven to help watch over all the other little babies." By what has been shared with me in the last month I'd say she was spot on!
I am so thankful for each and every "Zoe moment" whether I am the one experiencing it or I experience it through another person. I see that Zoe is a very busy little girl in Heaven and that like she did on Earth, she is continuing to extend her love to all those around...leaving a little part of herself with each person she touches. I thank God not only for these moments, but also that He has helped me to open my mind and open my heart so that I can recognize these moments. Maybe they've been happening all along, but I've been so blocked by my guilt and self-hate that I haven't been able to truly see them. I am finally beginning to shed these negative feelings, to accept that any decisions that I may have made differently were I able to relive the last weeks of Zoe's life...it wouldn't have made a difference because I was not in control those weeks or days or hours...and I am not in control now.
We've recently started going to a new church and we really like the preacher a lot. He and his wife have been so kind to us in welcoming us into the church and continuing to pray for us as we move through these difficult months. He has recently been preaching about the fact that we don't truly see God in huge, big ways...but it is actually in the ignoble that we truly see God...so the visit from a single ladybug may not be Earth shattering, but I see God in that little ladybug, I see a gift from Him that my angel daughter is touching peoples hearts, caring for their loved ones, comforting the weary and tired...continuing on a path of giving of herself and showing me that she is here with me and that this is what I need to do here as well.
**Note: Since I posted this I was reminded of another Zoe moment that a friend of mine had a few months back. Being the wonderful friend that she is, she has an alarm set on her phone for the 16th of every month...knowing that this day each month means something to me she always calls, sends an email or a text just to say she's thinking about me or praying for us. It is truly a very thoughtful gesture and one that means so much to me. Well...I think it was the 14th or maybe the 15th of the month and she was having a particularly difficult evening when all of a sudden her phone started going off. She said it was not the normal ring or normal alarm tone and when she looked at her phone it simply said "Zoe Sorrells". She said it made her smile and made her stop for a moment and feel that everything was in fact going to be okay. Bear in mind that it was NOT the 16th...it wasn't even close to midnight on the 15th. This same friend also has a young daughter who never met Zoe, but knows that she is Heaven and often talks about Zoe...I want to say that maybe she named one of her dolls Zoe or maybe she played with three dolls and said they were her triplets, I can't remember exactly. Awfully sweet and yet again a reminder to me that Zoe is quite close by!
1.01.2009
Happy New Year
I'm still working on compiling photos from the big birthday and Christmas so to tide you over, here is a special New Years message from Avery and Lily.
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