1.09.2009

Angels among us? Absolutely!!

Ever since Zoe died I have prayed and prayed for God to send messages to me, to let her come visit me, to let her appear in my dreams so that I can see her again, touch her, feel her, kiss her...all the things I long to do. I know I've written some of this before, but please just bear with me even if it is a bit repetitive. You see, I finally feel that my prayers are being answered...especially in the last month. I want to share with you the "Zoe moments" that have happened to me personally as well as to those around me who cared for and loved her and even to those who never had a chance to meet her and yet are touched deeply by her spirit.

Back in August I think I may have posted about an occurrence that happened at our home. My darling husband and I had been able to get away for a night and left the girls at home in the care of very willing relatives who jumped at the chance for 24 hours straight with Avery and Lily! The girls were asleep in the nursery and our caregivers were asleep in the guest room down the hall with the video monitor on. Some time in the middle of the night she woke up because she heard something, she looked at the monitor and saw not two dark headed babies in the bed (Avery and Lily share a full size bed), but she saw three! She could hardly believe what she was seeing and thought for sure it must be some odd shadow or a pillow or blanket or something. So she got up, went into the nursery and checked...but no, there was nothing in that spot next to Avery. By this time she was wide awake and looked back at the monitor, and there was that third baby! She said it looked like Zoe...the shape of her body was very clear, dark round head of hair, just sleeping next to Avery. Every time I look at the monitor now, I pray I'll see that third baby!

Then in October, on the night of our candle lighting remembrance ceremony...the nurse who admitted Zoe to the NICU had an experience with her three year old son. They were driving home and she happened to look at the clock and saw that it was 7 pm and that we would be lighting the candles for all the little babies who have died too soon. She was thinking about us and about Zoe and just then her son said "Mom, where's Zoe?" She thought for a minute that maybe she had been thinking out loud, but then thought no...she hadn't said a thing in 2-3 minutes. So she asked him (knowing exactly what he had said) "Who honey?" he then said "Zoe"...and she replied "You mean Keira's daughter?" he said "yes". She then talked to him about how Zoe had been sick and that God needed her in Heaven.

That same weekend there was an occurrence in the NICU where Zoe had been that had some of the nurses talking about whether Zoe's spirit might still be there helping the sick little ones on to Heaven.

This was all so heartwarming to hear, to know that she's around, that she's here in our house, snuggling with her sisters, that she's speaking to young children and guiding other little angels Home...but I still had not received my sign, my visit, my dream. Sure we've had the wacky electronics turning on or changing channels or the DVD door opening for no reason or the toy in the playroom that keeps going off even though no one is in there...but are these signs from her? I don't know...in case they are I always say hello to Zoe...but I think she knew I wasn't really convinced, that she needed to do something that would get my attention, that would verify the link between she and I specifically.

Ladybugs have always been a Zoe symbol for me...there was this little ladybug toy that she loved, always reached for it, sucked on it's head, that kind of thing...so if I see a ladybug I think of her and say hello. A few weeks before Christmas I was decorating the Christmas tree one Sunday night and had just finished putting on the lights when a little bug flew out of the tree and sat on the ceiling right above the tree. I thought maybe it was a moth attracted to the lights, but I looked closer and it was a little ladybug! Now I don't know about you, but I can't say that I've ever seen a ladybug in December before. Sure we've had the summertime infestations, but a single ladybug in December seemed just a little odd to me. I said hello to Zoe and thanked her for joining me in decorating the tree. Well that little ladybug sat up there above the tree and did not move the entire time I was hanging ornaments. It was still there in the same spot the next morning when I showed Avery and Lily...after breakfast it was gone.

The next day the girls and my mom were outside in the playhouse and there again was a ladybug...hmmm...I guess Zoe doesn't want to miss out on any of the fun!

I posted this on one of my message board groups...a group of women who have loved me, supported me, and held me up through the last year. I have met a few of them in person and correspond with many of them on a weekly basis. We all have triplets (or more) between 2 and 2 and half years old and we are a lively bunch! They never tire of me talking about Zoe and always send sweet messages. They have also continued to affirm that yes, I am STILL a triplet mom! Ever since I posted my ladybug stories...a few of them have sent back ladybug stories of their own that have occurred only since I posted the stories. Always a single ladybug...one landing on a mom's hand while feeding her kids, another one spotted by a mom's little girl, and yet another on an herb plant in the kitchen...everyone always confirms that they've never seen one in the house at this time of year. Pretty cool that Zoe's making the rounds with those that have been so supportive!

I then got an email a few days ago from a friend...her sister-in-law was pregnant with her first child and at 18 weeks went for an ultrasound only to find out the devastating news that the baby had such extensive abnormalities that there was no way it would survive outside the womb. Around this time, my friend had a dream about Zoe, she couldn't remember the details of the dream but distinctly knew that Zoe was there. About a week later, a single ladybug showed up at my friends house. She showed it to her kids and then put it outside on a post on the porch so the kids didn't squish it by accident. She said that the ladybug stayed there for three days and on the third day her sister-in-law went into preterm labor and delivered her stillborn baby. She believes the ladybug was Zoe, there to help guide that little baby into Heaven.

Around the time that I got the previous email I had a dream about Zoe...kind of. It was one of those times when you're drifting in and out of sleep and you kind of start dreaming about the actual situation you're in. In this case I had laid down with the girls to help them nap and was waiting to here my mom come in the front door so I could get up and get some work done. I remember hearing the door open and close and then I thought I sat up and saw something out in the hall. Apparently I was still asleep because I go out into the hall and there is this little kid...smiling at me, I look at this baby and I know it's Zoe and I reach out but it runs away, then it comes back and it's a different little baby, but I still know it's Zoe. Again I reach out and it runs away and again comes back and is a different baby. This happened a few times and I was getting frustrated because I desperately wanted to hold this child...it was Zoe after all even if the skin color, hair color, and eye color weren't the same. Finally she got close enough and I grabbed her and held her and it was her...I felt her, I felt the weight of her body, I didn't want to move, I didn't want the moment to ever end.

Remember the NICU nurse whose three year old son asked about Zoe in October? Well she had a little baby girl in the middle of December. A few days after coming home the baby stopped breathing. Mom did CPR and got her breathing again and the baby was rushed to the PICU at the same Children's Hospital where Zoe spent her last 24 hours. It turned out that the little girl was septic and had RSV and was very sick. A few days into her oxygen and antibiotic treatments her mom emailed me...she said that she had laid down to rest a while and as she did she felt a very distinct weight on her back, as if she was being hugged. She said she knew it was Zoe, she just felt her. She asked which room Zoe had been in as she wanted to walk by the room to try to "feel" Zoe again. She then told me that they were in room 11...ZOE WAS IN ROOM 11!!! I started crying and had chills running up and down my spine...Zoe was there watching over that little baby girl and comforting this same mom who kept Zoe alive the day she was born. I find this particularly amazing because this nurse has now had two different experiences with Zoe's spirit.

Last year I got a very sweet letter from a friend of a friend expressing her sadness at our loss of Zoe. She told me she had been following my blog since the girls were born and was distraught when she read the post about Zoe's death. One of her daughters saw her crying at her computer and asked what was wrong. She then said in her letter to me "how do you explain the death of a baby to your child?" I don't know what she told her daughter, but she then told me that her daughter gave her an answer. This young girl said "I think God needed Zoe in Heaven to help watch over all the other little babies." By what has been shared with me in the last month I'd say she was spot on!

I am so thankful for each and every "Zoe moment" whether I am the one experiencing it or I experience it through another person. I see that Zoe is a very busy little girl in Heaven and that like she did on Earth, she is continuing to extend her love to all those around...leaving a little part of herself with each person she touches. I thank God not only for these moments, but also that He has helped me to open my mind and open my heart so that I can recognize these moments. Maybe they've been happening all along, but I've been so blocked by my guilt and self-hate that I haven't been able to truly see them. I am finally beginning to shed these negative feelings, to accept that any decisions that I may have made differently were I able to relive the last weeks of Zoe's life...it wouldn't have made a difference because I was not in control those weeks or days or hours...and I am not in control now.

We've recently started going to a new church and we really like the preacher a lot. He and his wife have been so kind to us in welcoming us into the church and continuing to pray for us as we move through these difficult months. He has recently been preaching about the fact that we don't truly see God in huge, big ways...but it is actually in the ignoble that we truly see God...so the visit from a single ladybug may not be Earth shattering, but I see God in that little ladybug, I see a gift from Him that my angel daughter is touching peoples hearts, caring for their loved ones, comforting the weary and tired...continuing on a path of giving of herself and showing me that she is here with me and that this is what I need to do here as well.

**Note: Since I posted this I was reminded of another Zoe moment that a friend of mine had a few months back. Being the wonderful friend that she is, she has an alarm set on her phone for the 16th of every month...knowing that this day each month means something to me she always calls, sends an email or a text just to say she's thinking about me or praying for us. It is truly a very thoughtful gesture and one that means so much to me. Well...I think it was the 14th or maybe the 15th of the month and she was having a particularly difficult evening when all of a sudden her phone started going off. She said it was not the normal ring or normal alarm tone and when she looked at her phone it simply said "Zoe Sorrells". She said it made her smile and made her stop for a moment and feel that everything was in fact going to be okay. Bear in mind that it was NOT the 16th...it wasn't even close to midnight on the 15th. This same friend also has a young daughter who never met Zoe, but knows that she is Heaven and often talks about Zoe...I want to say that maybe she named one of her dolls Zoe or maybe she played with three dolls and said they were her triplets, I can't remember exactly. Awfully sweet and yet again a reminder to me that Zoe is quite close by!

9 comments:

Misty said...

Keira,
That was beautiful! I have chills upon chills! I too believe that for Zoe to do her best work, was from above. But how nice that she still "calls" her mommy so often to say hello! It only tells me how special she is & how special a mommy you are.
Big HUGS!
Misty
ps I'll keep my eye out for you Ladybug!

Rachael said...

oh my gosh keira, wow! that gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes. that is so wonderful that zoe lets you know that she is still here!

Naomi Levit said...

Wow, that was a beautiful compilation of Zoe moments! Thank you for sharing! I love you so much, big sis!

Aileigh said...

Yesterday, the day you posted this, a ladybug landed on my almost 3 month old son. I hadn't been on your blog in some time, but I knew that the "day" was coming up. That same ladybug had been with him all day. The sitter told me she found it several times. Then I get on here tonight to catch up with you and I get the ladybug stories. How awesome that you are getting to experience all of these Zoe moments. I believe that those moments are her. There are just too many for it not to be. She is a ladybug, bringing peace to those around her! Hugs to you!

Tracy :) said...

Hi Kiera - I've read your entire blog - I'm hooked - I just want to share an experience I had. 8 years ago I delivered a stillborn little girl. My sister had the same experience a year earlier - 2 days later my mom and I were looking outside and two beautiful butterflies were hovering around a bush outside the window. My mom said "Hi girls" - everyday these butterflies were hovering around - a couple weeks later my best friend's mom passed away. I had not seen the butterflies for a few days as we were sure my sister's baby had come to take my baby to heaven. My friend and I were sitting on the front porch (where I had never seen the butterflies) just talking and crying when three butterflies circled our heads. We lost it. The girls had come for busha. It was amazing. That was eight years ago - they have not been back but everytime I see that orange and black butterfly anywhere I always say "well, hello Hannah".

Candace Hickey said...

I love hearing about all these happenings...as I told you before, I do believe these are messages from your sweet Zoe! Please continue to share these....it makes my heart smile for you. :)
hugs,
Candace

Beth said...

So beautiful... I will always think of Zoe now when I see a ladybug.

A story to share... my beloved father passed away a little over 2 years ago from pulmonary fibrosis. Even though he was a wonderful & loving father, we never actually said the words "I love you" to each other. He was in the hospital for two weeks before he passed away. During those two weeks, I was able to tell him that I loved him twice. He just smiled lovingly and said "I know you do" and held my hand. And yet he still couldn't say those 3 words (which I had accepted... I know how very much he loved me, he just had difficulty actually saying the words). Anyway, a few weeks after he passed away, I had a very vivid dream where I was with my dad and he looked at me and said "I love you, too" and then just vanished. I have no doubt that it was HIM telling me the words he could never say. I'm lucky that my dad is frequently in my dreams, still... at least a few times each month. Sometimes he's healthy, sometimes he's sick... regardless, it is so wonderful to "see" him again and to see him with Adam, my son (I was 4 months pregnant when my dad passed away... he would've been his first grandchild... he told the Dr. that he was fighting to live to meet him, which tragically he was not able to do).

I'm so glad that you have been able to see Zoe again... through the ladybug (who popped up everywhere!), your dream and your friends' moments.

Please know that I think of you and your beautiful triplets often.

Taylor, Allison, Ian, Emma and ^Ethan^ Tucker said...

I have chills... I've watched your blog for awhile, and hardly ever post. I got up the nerve when I found Jessica at "The Watson 6"! :) We lost our Baby A, Ethan Robert, during labor 15 months ago tomorrow. Reading stories like this makes me feel like I'm not crazy! The babies stop sometimes and both look in the same direction, point, laugh, etc. Toys start making noise when no one is in the room... I always say Hello to Ethan. Now I know its him.... Thank you!
Allison

Annie said...

Oh Keira, you are a remarkable woman and mother! I have tears in my eyes for you......

All time favorite video of Zoe!

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Bible verses that comfort me

"Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord."
~ 2 Corinthians 5:8

"Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children....Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them"
~ Mark10:14 & 10:16

"...those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint"~ Isaiah40:31