Midnight ramblings

I'm not exactly sure what's going to come out on this screen tonight as I sit here at 12:30am, tired, but can't sleep...knowing as soon as the tv is off, the lights are off, the computer is off, I'll say goodnight to Zoe, kiss her picture, kiss her urn, blow out her candle...and cry.

I've become quite an expert at crying. I enjoy it. I can start and stop...mostly because if I don't make myself stop, I might not stop. I can usually reserve my crying for the moments I'm alone...in the shower, in the car going to and from work, and in those last moments at night. I don't cry in front of Avery and Lily...maybe a little if they do something really sweet and unexpected that relates to Zoe in some way...but never the deep, from your core kind of crying that I've learned about.

I've been sad before Zoe died, but the crying that comes out of me now...it's almost primal...it truly comes from the depths of my soul and the depths of my heart. I scared myself a little the first time I cried this hard and this out loud...I didn't know I would make noises like this. But now, it's the norm. I can usually just swallow down that lump that forms in my throat when someone asks me how I am...I can usually blink away the mist that forms in my eyes when I'm talking to someone about her that really doesn't want to hear all the sad details of losing our little warrior princess. But when I'm alone, I don't hold back. Sometimes all I need is a good 5 or 10 minutes just to get it out at that moment. It is a true release, I can relax after I cry, I can smile at Zoe's picture and tell her I love her and miss her...I can picture her running free with long curly black hair flying in the wind as she laughs in the middle of a field full of bright green grass, sunny yellow daisies and red tulips. I see butterflies and dragonflies twirling around her sprinkling iridescent fairy dust in her wake...I can feel the joy in her soul. But she's always out of my reach...like there is this thin window that I can watch her through in my mind, but I just can't get to her.

I still pray for a dream with her or even a visit with her...I completely believe in angels and I do believe that she'll visit me. I've read a lot from other moms who have experiences they attribute to their dead child's effort to communicate with them...pennies or dimes in odd places, tv's turning on and off, lights turning on and off, butterflies swirling around or landing and staying for a while, a random flower not indigenous to the area appearing in the same spot each year at the time of the child's death...but I can't say I've had anything like this yet. I try to create these instances...like the other day I was out in the yard with the girls and this little bird flew and sat on top of a bush about 10 feet from us, it sang and sang and sang and stayed for a while. The same thing happened two days later...Avery and Lily and I have decided it was a Zoe bird, so we said hello to her and told her what a beautiful voice she has. Because I know that now she does have a beautiful, clear, warm voice...no more paralyzed vocal chords in Heaven!

I've even read a book where a mom chose the work of a medium to communicate with her son...I'd like to try that one day. I'm sure Richard will think I'm coo-coo...or maybe, he'll indulge me in this and get a reading with me...we'll see.

I did truly feel Zoe's presence when we were at the Speech School dedication...I felt this kind of warmth about me...like I was being held that morning. There are times when I think, "gosh, if she's supposed to be present with me, why don't I feel it" and I guess it's more that I notice when she is definitely not there that will confirm her presence for me at other times. I said in my remembrance speech that as bereaved parents we have to learn that love transcends the physical touch of a hug or a kiss...we don't have that luxury any more. And it also brings me back to my very early blogging when we couldn't touch them in the NICU, we could barely speak at their bedsides, they were so fragile. I struggled so much with feeling like I was an actual mom because I did not have that luxury of the physical bond...for TWO months I couldn't hold Zoe...TWO months the only physical contact I had with her was to change her diaper! Unless you've been through this you can not begin to even understand what this is like...you just can't.

There is a lot about the NICU days that has been coming back to me lately. I guess when you're living in the NICU you don't get an opportunity to reflect on the impact it truly has, you're in survival mode..."staying strong" so your babies might actually live. I remember being so proud of these beautiful monogrammed baby books I bought, lavender for Zoe, pink for Lily, and sage green for Avery. I thought, well, I can't hold my babies, but I can start their baby books; not even thinking that baby books start after a full term delivery...my girls still needed almost 4 more months to grow before they'd be 40 weeks gestational age. They did a lot in those remaining 15+ weeks, but nothing that these books noted...like "how many days on the ventilator, CPAP, or nasal canula"..."how many days on IV fluids"..."measurement of first tube feeding (was 1cc = 1/5 of a teaspoon)"..."days old when first held"...you get the picture.

Zoe was 6 months old before I could write in "first bottle" and I can't write in her favorite foods because she never ate by mouth. No first steps, no first words, their first photos were certainly not "typical" newborn photos...I remember being back in my hospital room and Richard brought me their little, tiny foot prints and their photos...I couldn't tell what they looked like because of the CPAP mask or the vent tubes and tape that covered their face and the Velcro sunglasses that covered their eyes from the billirubin lights. I cried because I couldn't see them and I couldn't tell them apart...you could see no distinguishing characteristics...EXCEPT that Zoe had eyelashes a mile long already!

I think things are getting difficult again because the holiday season is upon us. Zoe had made it home in time for Halloween last year...but now we've got their birthday and Christmas on the horizon and I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle it. I may not do so very gracefully, but I'll try. I need ways to make SURE Zoe is a part of everything and anything we do. My biggest fear is forgetting her...or being "practical" and not getting her something that I get for Avery and Lily when I really want to get something for her. It feels so unnatural to not buy a birthday or Christmas gift for your child. One mom suggested that I fill her stocking with things Avery and Lily can enjoy...I want to hang her stocking of course, but the image of an empty stocking while the others are full would just depress me even more, so thanks Shelley for the idea. But I need more than that, I need more ways to bring her closer during this time.

I think the other thing that's making this hard is the anticipation of the 1st anniversary of her death. January of this year wasn't a very fun month because we were in and out of the dr office for all three girls with ear infections and strep throat...and thus began the further attack on her already fragile immune system. The thing with Zoe though was that you couldn't even hardly tell she felt bad...you could tell when she got the flu before she died, but in January you'd never have known she had an ear infection and then strep. I was just overly cautious so even a slight temp or change in her cough sent us to the dr and even urgent care once...this was all just in January. I even have a post from January with the tally of sickness in our house with the last line saying "hoping to stay out of the hospital"...my next post was about her death.

I'm trying so hard to not see death as so final, not as an ending...but rather as a beginning of something new. It is just so hard when this yearning to hold her is so intense and there is nothing that can fulfill this need...nothing.

People continue to share their "Zoe moments" with me, and I have to say there were a couple right around the time of the remembrance that were just incredible (Taryn, Jennifer...thank you sooooo much for sharing those with me). And people still talk about how she impacted their lives. Our goal of course is to make sure that she continues to impact lives for at least as long as Richard and I are on this Earth. One of those people who was touched deeply by Zoe was her teacher, Linda, at the Speech School. I want to share with you the beautiful things she said during the dedication at the Speech School. The most poignant part was when she spoke of what Zoe taught her as if Zoe were speaking, this is what Zoe "said":

"I'm here to show you that life is wonderful, live it to the fullest."

"I'm here to show you courage when life is a struggle, but do it with a smile on your face."

"I'm here to show you to believe in yourself, have faith in your ability to keep your dreams alive."

"I'm here to show you to have fun, be silly, because laughter is the language of the soul."

"I'm here to give you hope that whatever we strive for is possible."

"I'm here to show you that we need each other and remember I am always with you."

"I'm here to show you the most important gift...to love with all of your heart in this life and through eternity."

So here I am, having my pity party and not listening to the lessons my 14 month old daughter taught us...I'm sorry Zoe, I'll make sure to smile tomorrow, okay?

*Editors comment - I am posting this on Halloween night even though I meant to post it the night before...the Halloween update is forthcoming....and Jess...I'm thinking about you and praying for your family!

10 years

Yes, that's right. Richard and I have been married for ten years. Hard to believe, sometimes it doesn't seem that long but when you reflect back on all that we've done and all that we've gone through in those ten years, we've packed a lot of living in! I think it is pretty safe to say that on October 24, 1998 we had no idea what life would really be like on October 24, 2008.


My darling husband doesn't get much press time on this blog...I'm definitely a selfish blogger...it's all about me, my grief over losing Zoe, my adventures with Avery and Lily, my life as a triplet mom and then a bereaved mom who still thinks of herself as a triplet mom...not much about the man behind all these women! So let me tell you just a little bit about Richard.


We met in college and Richard will tell anyone who will listen that we met three times before I remember meeting him. He will tell you exactly what I was wearing at the Furman/Davidson soccer game. He will tell you who I was with and would probably tell you how many times I laughed that day. The night I remember meeting him was Parent's weekend at Furman in October of 1994. My parents had recently divorced, just a couple months before I graduated high school and this weekend was going to be the first time I'd be with them together since they split. Needless to say it was not the best weekend of my life. Always the consummate hosts, Richard's fraternity had one of their parties which I gladly attended! I hadn't been there long when he came up and said "You're shoulders are up to your ears (I was pretty tense) what's going on?" So here is this totally hot, good looking Senior (I was a freshman) asking me what was going on with me and he actually sounded sincere...so he probably got more of an earful than he actually wanted, but he never made me feel like I was divulging too much or wasting his time. It was this sense of compassion that had me head over heels in no time!


Things progressed over the next couple of months but we actually didn't really get too serious. I left Furman after only one quarter (I was miserable) and moved back to NC to take a semester off. We didn't stay in touch until my 19th birthday 3 months later, when I got a phone call from Richard saying he'd like to come to NC to take me to dinner. And he did...and we've been together ever since.


We were never one of those couples full of drama that break up and get back together all the time, we never took a "break", we never saw other people just to make sure we wanted to be together....we just always knew we would be together forever. Richard is fiercely loyal, anyone who knows him will tell you that. He doesn't have hundreds of friends, preferring to stick very close to the few he really cares about. He is always truthful, he never lies, not even a tiny white lie. His ethical and moral standards are set very high and he always thinks of his family before himself. Not one decision is made without thoroughly thinking through the ramifications, good or bad, on me and our girls.


His capacity for love is tremendous...my favorite thing to do since the girls were born is to catch him with them when he doesn't know I'm watching. I love to hear how tenderly he talks to them, how engaged he is with them, when he is with them he is thoroughly in the moment...he absolutely adores our little girls. He laughs with them, he kisses their boo-boos, he teaches them all about burping and football (lovely!), and he'll do silly dances to make them giggle. He's not a work 12 hours a day during the week and then golf all weekend kind of a guy, he is always with us, he likes being at home with his family.


Losing Zoe has been just as hard on him as it has been on me, make no mistake about that just because he doesn't openly grieve the way I do. His heart was ripped from his chest when mine was and he feels that emptiness in the pit of his soul as deeply as I do. I think in many ways my pregnancy was harder on him than it was on me because he couldn't do anything...it was all me growing those babies...he did everything he possibly could like making me nightly chocolate/banana/peanut butter milkshakes! When I got so sick and had to deliver, I was pretty out of it, being sick and in shock he was the rock. Until I recovered from the preeclampsia and the c-section he spent all day every day at the hospital. He'd leave early in the morning to go to the hospital to try to be at the girls' bedside when the docs roudned on them, come at lunch to pick me up to spend the afternoon with them and then bring me back home before shift change and then he'd go back again to "tuck the girls in". But, I've never seen fear in his eyes like I did two nights after they were born and Lily got sick all of a sudden. I was still in my state of shock but he knew exactly what was going on with each of them and he knew something wasn't right with her. She ended up being ok, an infection cleared up with antibiotics...but I saw the core of his being melt at the thought of being so close to losing one of his daughters when all three were just barely hanging on. I don't think I saw that look again until those last few hours we had with Zoe. He felt just as helpless as I did with them in the NICU, but he was also one of the people that kept me pumping milk for the girls...he was so supportive and encouraging, especially in the middle of the night when I'd get up to pump and many times he'd get up too and wash my pump parts for me :)

He was and has always been involved in caring for our babies, especially when we had all three at home, three babies on feeding tubes and monitors needing medical care outside the "norm" of a newborn...he always helped. Granted things weren't always rosy every single day...but he did help a lot...and he continues to enjoy helping with the girls in all of their activities and daily care.

Richard has always been my biggest support...no matter what drama was going on with my family (we've had plenty) he is always the calm voice of reason...and he's always right (yes I have now admitted that in print). His intuition is always spot on and he has this way of listening intently and completely and figuring out a solution to just about any issue that could ever arise and it is always in a way that makes all parties involved feel good. He was the one that encouraged me to go out on my own when I became disheartened at my last job and he has continued to support me in whatever capacity of work I choose. He wants to hear how I'm doing, he wants to hear what crazy thoughts go on in my head, he wants me to be happy...that's all he really wants is for me to be happy and for the girls to be healthy and happy.


I have never once doubted his love for me. I have never once questioned his loyalty and fidelity...he is my best friend...even when I haven't exactly been his best friend. He secretly likes my quirks...he may not admit it, but I think he likes the fact that I have conversations with myself! I have the perfect husband, the perfect friend, and the perfect father to my children.

Have I mentioned that he writes poetry? For our first anniversary he wrote an incredible poem for me and had it matted and framed with my favorite photo from our wedding. He's written poems for holidays and big events...when we started fertility treatments and things weren't going so well he wrote an inspiring work of prose, and he's written poems to our girls and for me for no real reason at all. He always gives the best, most thoughtful gifts and boy can he plan a vacation! He loves to surprise me with things he knows will make me smile. He is an amazing chef and encourages me to indulge in things that I enjoy (yoga, massage, girl time). He's also quite an athlete...he swam, played tennis and soccer in his youth and another thing I love watching is when he plays "soccer" in the yard and does some little fancy footwork with our blow up beach ball the girls play with...so cute and so sexy. He is everything a woman would ever dream of having in a husband...I'm so glad he's MY husband.

It's been said that the divorce rate when a child dies is 90%...we had a less than 1% chance of conceiving triplets, we had an 85% chance of a good outcome with the triplet pregnancy (read 34+ weeks gestation at birth)...so I'm betting, since we seem to always fall in the smaller portion of the odds that we won't be a part of that 90% divorce rate...we'll be in the 10%.

Happy Anniversary darling...you are my heart, my soul, my love forever.

October 18, 2008

The first annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness candle lighting ceremony went very well. Considering we had not figured out the layout until the very moment we got to the courthouse...it all went very well. I want to personally thank Richard for his undying love and support no matter how difficult I can be at times, my mom and Cindy for watching the girls so Richard and I could do this, and my team of supportive friends and helpers Naomi, Stephanie, Laura, Melissa, Alice, Lisa, and Sondae...without you all we would not have started on time and the ceremony would not have gone so smoothly. Thank you all so very much. I am officially making you the Remembrance Ceremony Committee for next year!!!

We had a few local families attend and honor their babies along with a handful of other close friends and family who came out to support us in our quest to remember Zoe, our other two angels and all the other babies who were so lovingly shared with us that night.

Following is the speech I gave and the order of events.

Thank you all for coming this evening as we honor and remember so many children, gone too soon. I am Keira Sorrells. My husband, Richard, and I formed the Zoe Rose Memorial Foundation after our daughter’s sudden and untimely death in February of this year. Many of you may have seen the story in the Tribune on Sunday written so beautifully by Robbie Schwartz. For those of you that did not I’d like to share a bit of our story with you.

Zoe is one of our triplet girls, all of whom were born nearly 15 weeks early in December of 2006. Due to their prematurity they spent several months in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Zoe, however did not come home until she was almost 10 months old. She was a very happy baby, she had green eyes that danced, a smile that warmed many hearts and a laugh so deep her entire body shook with joy. She was however medically fragile and immuno compromised.

Zoe caught the flu in February sending us back to the hospital for 5 days. She came home the day before Valentine’s Day only to be rushed back a day and a half later. Zoe died in our arms the next morning.

The experience of parenting in the NICU was difficult. The experience of losing Zoe is beyond comprehension. There is no description, no combination of words that can truly express the depth of this pain and grief.

After she died I began a search for other mothers like me who had lost a baby or child. I had to know what life would be like without Zoe…could I actually go on and continue being a mother to Zoe’s sisters and a wife to my husband? Would I ever find joy and meaning in life again? Would I ever learn to live with this crater of emptiness in my soul?

I found more and more women like me. Women who gave birth to stillborn babies, women who lost their babies in the first, second, and third trimester, women with perfectly healthy pregnancies and newborns only to have the child die months later due to SIDS or other illness, women who lost one or more babies of a multiple pregnancy and had to continue to carry their dead child until the birth of the survivors. What I found in each and every one of these women is the common bond of the immense grief and pain that is losing your child.

It does not matter if that woman lost her baby due to miscarriage, or like us, if she got a chance to hold and look into the eyes of her child. Every baby, every child’s life is valuable no matter how many or how few breaths they take outside the womb.

In my quest for support I also found that other women, like me, craved to speak about their lost child. We do this because to stop speaking of them will send them into the past, into the background where no one remembers. We crave keeping these children alive with us in some way, any way possible to continue to believe that they existed, that their lives had meaning, that there was a reason we had them at all.

When a parent dies, the child becomes an orphan, when a spouse dies, the remaining husband or wife becomes a widow…there is no title for a parent who loses a child…other than survivor.

Death is rarely spoken of in today’s world. This fact is even more true when a child dies and even more so in the case of miscarriage. As bereaved parents we search for ways to remember and honor our children. We must learn that love transcends the physical touch of a hug or a kiss…because we no longer have this luxury, if we ever had it at all.

So, at least once a year we ask the community at large to help remember and honor our babies. In 1988 Ronald Reagan made a Presidential Proclamation announcing that October 15th would be observed as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. This came after the hard and unrelenting work of one bereaved mother.

So tonight, as we light over 200 candles, 1 for each baby we know of, that was so lovingly shared by their strong surviving mothers. We will speak their names…not their age or cause of death because it does not matter…all that matters is the simple act of love, the act of remembering and honoring these children whose lives were cut way too short.

I’d like to read a poem that has been passed around my various support groups
"I'm There Inside Your Heart"

Right now I'm in a different place
And though we seem far apart,
I'm closer than I ever was...
I'm there inside your heart.

I'm with you when you greet each day
And while the sun shines bright,
I'm there to share the sunsets, too...
I'm with you every night.

I'm with you when the times are good
To share a laugh or two,
And if a tear should start to fall
I'll still be there for you.

And when the day arrives
That we no longer are apart,
I'll smile and hold you close to me...
Forever in my heart.

We will now begin lighting the candles and I ask any parents or family members with children represented here to step forward and light their child's candle.

After all candles are lit….We will now light a candle in recognition of the thousands and millions of babies around the world that we don’t know the names of.

I’d now like to read another poem written by a bereaved mother by the name of Kaye Des'Ormeaux. She wrote this poem as if her deceased daughter was speaking
My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away....
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

Copyright 1998 Kaye Des'Ormeaux


Thank you all so much for sharing this very special evening with us. And just remember, when you meet someone who has lost a child the best thing you can say when you can’t find any other words are “I am so very sorry.”

I am still planning to upload the video...I just haven't gotten that far yet!

So far this week

A little update about what's been going on this week.....

My sister flew out from Oregon and met me in Florida to photograph a house I did there...in a previous life and little bit still, I was/am an interior designer. We spent 3 days there and my clients were so accommodating, considering they were still in boxes having only moved a couple of weeks ago. But the timing was great so that Naomi could be here in GA with us for the dedication at the Atlanta Speech School and for the upcoming candle lighting ceremony.

The day before the dedication, Naomi, my mom, and I took the girls to OT...it was going to be a fun little outing with just the girls. Avery and Lily did great, although their therapist did challenge them quite a bit, which they didn't much appreciate. Afterwards they were in the waiting room playing and I went to load our stuff in the car. Naomi came running out saying that Avery's nose was bleeding! I ran back in and my mom and the therapist had her in the bathroom...there was blood gushing from her bottom lip. Apparently she fell off a stool...now this stool couldn't have been more than 9" off the ground and still she busted her lip wide open. There was an EMS station right next door, my mom made a mad dash to get someone to come help and they came right over. They couldn't really do anything other than make sure she didn't have a concussion or anything...so we went to the nearest hospital with a Children's ER. She had to get two stitches...while the doctor was sewing her up she was saying "all done...all done"...she was ready to get out of there! But, wow what a tough little girl...I know my mom and I were more freaked out than she was.

While I was in the exam room with Avery, Lily was out in the waiting room with Mimi and Naomi. She was eating animal crackers, trying to offer them to Avery who wasn't there, and flirting with an older boy!!!!

My dad and my stepmom drove down from NC for the dedication and Gampa got to babysit the girls while the rest of us headed into Atlanta to the Speech School. The instant I saw Zoe's teacher I started to cry. Zoe's last lesson with Linda had been just 9 days before she died. I remember that lesson so clearly, we brought the whole entourage Mimi, Avery, Lily, Zoe, and Zoe's nurse. I remember I had them all dressed in these precious little knit dresses...same style different colors, with their matching shoes and bows in their hair. They had such a good time, we were just starting to introduce babydolls...so, so precious.

The dedication was so wonderful. So intimate, perfect, and beautiful. Linda had balloons in the shape of stars because she found a quote that said something like "stars are the angel's windows from Heaven". She gave Richard and I a big red heart balloon and we all wrote messages and drew pictures for Zoe on the balloons. Comer Yates opened with a very kind welcome and then Linda spoke about Zoe and what she meant to her. She is going to send me a copy of a part of what she said where she wrote it as if Zoe was talking. She was so right on...I could completely feel like Zoe was talking through Linda to us all.

After Linda spoke the PTC presented the statue which is a beautiful cherub angel in a bronze color with a plaque that read "this garden is dedicated in loving memory of Zoe Rose Sorrells". One of the parents told us the story of how they found this statue...she said that up until last week they had not found the right one and they refused to put just anything there, it had to be perfect. So last Thursday, this mom was driving her son to school and saw a complete rainbow...the first time she ever saw a complete rainbow and she said to herself...something wonderful is going to happen. The next day was the school trip to the pumpkin patch and on the way another mom called this mom and said "I saw the angel in the window of an antique shop...you have to stop and get it on your way back." So she did and it was perfect! The hair, the little mouth shaped like a heart, the chubby cheeks and legs and cute little tush...it really looks like Zoe with wings! And....the finish of the statue matched the plaque perfectly which they had made well before finding the statue.

After the presentation of the statue I spoke...here is what I said:

I want to start by thanking so many of our family members for being here with us today. I also want to thank Comer Yates and the Atlanta Speech School as well as the PTC and the Katherine Hamm Center for conducting this dedication for our daughter, Zoe Rose.

When Mary wrote to me that this idea was being formulated, my jaw literally dropped as I read the words. I knew that Zoe had created a special place in Mary’s heart and in Linda’s heart, but I never expected the school to do something so wonderful. We were by all accounts the least active family in this school. I didn’t participate in the PTC, we didn’t go to the pumpkin patch, we didn’t have breakfast with Santa; we just came once a week for our lessons with Linda and we left as quickly as possible to avoid any possible illness or infection. Richard and I stand here today with hearts so full of appreciation for this act of kindness.

For the last several months, I have tried to write down my words of gratitude for Linda Lasker. I have failed miserably so I’m sure she’s wondering why she never got a thank you letter. So I will attempt now to explain what Linda meant to me as Zoe’s mother, to our family, and especially to Zoe.

From the first moment Richard and I sat down on the sofa in the apartment to find out if Zoe was a candidate for the parent infant program, we were immediately sold on the fact that Linda had an immense wealth of knowledge of hearing impairment (which we seriously lacked) and how to teach these children effectively. She asked us to observe a couple of the toddler classes and we were amazed as she pointed out the children who were profoundly deaf….these children spoke more clearly than many non-hearing impaired children I’ve come across. So the decision to start the program as soon as possible was a no-brainer.

When we started in August of last year, Zoe still did not have a discharge date from the NICU, she was nearly 8 months old….it could be a month, two months, three months, so I just asked Linda to meet me at the hospital once a week. Little did I know what a ruckus this would cause with the hospital administration. We were rudely and unprofessionally interrupted during one of our sessions at Zoe’s bedside and I have never been so mad in all my life until that point. Linda handled the situation with much more grace and dignity than I did; and that evening called me from her home to discuss the situation and brainstorm about what we could do.

After many phone calls, heated discussions and a patient care conference with way too many hospital people…we were told Linda needed non-medical credentialing. Linda completed the paperwork, got her shots, and took CPR in a matter of maybe 3 or 4 days! I honestly think the hospital was trying to put up a brick wall to keep her from coming in. But...they didn't know Linda! Her expediency in jumping through these hoops astonished me, I did not expect someone who was not emotionally attached or related to my daughter to do this. But this is who Linda is, she is a champion for these children, she takes a very personal investment in these young lives, and Zoe was no different.

While we waited and waited and waited…..and waited for hospital approval, Linda agreed to let me bring one or both of Zoe’s sisters to the lessons so that at least I could continue to learn how to begin to work effectively with Zoe. We all know how important Early Intervention is, and we had no time to lose.

Hospital approval came exactly one week before Zoe was discharged…in October. Gee, thanks! At any rate, we continued with Linda every week until a week before she passed away. Through the 4 months that Linda actually got to work directly with Zoe, the improvement in Zoe’s ability to communicate and her general development in receptive and expressive language was amazing. Zoe could understand simple commands like kick, kick…shake, shake… chew, chew…she knew mommy, daddy, her sisters, her nurse, her grandmothers, she knew a ball from a block, and she could locate familiar sounds ten feet away…watching this child grow in ways that we were told would take years, was extraordinarily gratifying…Zoe had a bright future…thanks to Linda’s dedication, her experience, her love, and her personal investment in our lives.

Richard and I continue to try to find ways to ensure that Zoe leaves behind a legacy embodying the qualities she possessed….strength, willpower, courage, determination, joy and unconditional acceptance and love for all people. We thank you for assisting us in this quest. I hope that as new parents filter through the school and children walk by this beautiful statue they will be encouraged to know that each child here has a very special guardian angel looking over them and cheering them on. I hope that when they see Zoe’s picture or maybe even hear a little about her life story that they won’t be saddened…but will be encouraged to hear of a baby who overcame incredible odds at the moment of her birth; and with the assistance of everyone here at the Speech School, especially Linda Lasker, these children will know that they matter, that hearing impairment does nothing to limit the fullness of their life or the path of their future.

Somehow I got through all that, I know God had one elbow and Zoe had the other...then one of the little girls from the school gave me flowers and put flowers next to the statue. Another little one read a poem by Hans Christen Andersen. Richard and I decided to donate Zoe's hearing aids to the school to be given to a child in need. I presented Zoe's baby pink hearing aids to another student. Then we sent the balloons off to Zoe.

It was very emotional, heartwarming, sad....you name it, we felt it. Linda has a big photo of Zoe matted and framed hanging in the apartment where all the babies come through for their lessons with her. I know Zoe was there that day with us. It was one of the first times that I really felt a very strong presence...I just know she was there watching us, listening, and hopefully nodding her head when we talked about all the ways she has touched us and how that will change lives. Linda is planning workshops in Zoe's name for other professionals dealing with hearing screening tests in micropreemies. So, here we are, 8 months after she died and wonderful things are happening in her name. I know I'm her mom so I'm especially partial to her...but I think she's incredible. I think she is working hard up there in Heaven helping God coordinate all of us down here to do the right thing for all these kids and their parents. Zoe...I hope we're making you proud!

Oh..one other interesting note...one of our family members had a dream about Zoe a couple of months ago...she told me that Zoe was about 3 or so and was holding her hand, wearing a sweater and red plaid skirt. She said that there were a bunch of other kids laughing and playing, but she didn't know who they were. She said Zoe would run out and play with the kids and then run back and hold her hand for a while and then run out and play and then come back. After being at the dedication...she told me that her dream could have taken place right where we were, but she had never been there before..........angels are all around us!

One last note....I think Avery may have a future in medicine because when we came home from the dedication I looked at her and her stitches were out! Somehow she got them out, but my dad said he never noticed anything, she hadn't cried, she hadn't bled...she must have been biting at them or something and maybe swallowed them or something. Luckily the doctor said we didn't need to worry, that it wasn't infected and they wouldn't need to put the stitches back in (thank goodness).

As soon as my sister gets back from doing portraits in NC I'll put up some photos from the dedication, she got some wonderful shots. She'll also be photographing the remembrance ceremony this weekend. Which by the way is up to 210 babies! Since the article was written I've gotten a lot of response and support from folks all around our town. It should be quite an event to say the least. So far the weather looks like it will cooperate too...fingers crossed!

Now she's in the sand....

Yesterday we found Zoe's name in the headlines...today, she's in the sand for all of Heaven and Earth to see.

This wonderful, caring, compassionate bereaved mother provides this stunning tribute for our angels. All you have to do is email your angel's name, their birthdate and death date, and any words of prayer or blessing you want to include. I sent ours in last night and here she is.

The blog address is http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com

Zoe makes the front page!!

A wonderful journalist, by the name of Robbie Schwartz of the Walton Tribune/Loganville Tribune, wrote a beautiful article about our little warrior princess, the Foundation, and the remembrance ceremony.

Here is the link to the article:

http://waltontribune.com/story.lasso?ewcd=4746a152477648e4

Thank you Robbie for deeming our story worthy of publishing...and thank you for allowing us another outlet to spread Zoe's light around the world. We are deeply appreciative of your work.

I'm so excited....

Betcha didn't expect to see that title from me, huh? Well, today I called the Walton Tribune and the Athens Banner Herald to tell them about our little candle lighting ceremony. Both papers are interested in writing something! I don't know if it will be a full blown article or a tiny blurb on the back of the last page, but I don't care. All I care about is that National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness is well....creating awareness! Change only happens through awareness...if no one knows about something you feel passionately about how can you expect change?

So, our little candle lighting ceremony that started off with maybe 10 names and was just going to be an intimate affair at our home with family is now going to be in the center of town. The Courthouse walkways will be lit with the light of love from our babies and will make sure people know that every life...no matter how short or how many minutes it did or did not spend outside the womb, or how many days, weeks, or months it spent in their mother's arms...is important and deserves to be acknowledged. The parents of these babies and children deserve to be supported and their grief acknowledged.

I still get a few emails a day asking me to add their angels to the list. And these women are simply overflowing with gratitude for the simple act of acknowledging their lost child. What a simple way to spread support to these parents while at the same time bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss AND introducing the Zoe Rose Memorial Foundation. I cannot however take complete credit for orchestrating this event...you see, Zoe had a hand in it as well. Just a few days ago (when my list was up to 160 or so) I was trying to visualize our yard with all the candles lit and how I would arrange them when a thought so clear, so distinct popped into my head. It was the image of the Courthouse lawn ensconced in soft candle light, and I said "Thanks Zoe, I'll get right on that." I heard the message loud and clear and have no doubt it did indeed come from Zoe. The very next second the thought "hey, call the paper, heck call all the papers and see if they'll write about it...you never know how far you can take this and what do you have to lose?" So I did. So....thank you Zoe...as always you are two steps ahead of me and guiding me along. I think next week I'll go a little farther and call any newspaper or parent publication that will take the time to listen to me...again, what have I got to lose?