18 month check up

Ha...just two days and here I am again. Granted it's past 1 am and I should be sleeping...but sleeping just doesn't come easily for us these days. Anyway, we had our 18 month check up today which went very well...from a developmental and speech standpoint they are on par with their ACTUAL age peers, which is great. Growth and weight gain are still a problem though. Lily is pretty far below the curve for her adjusted age and Avery is only barely on the adjusted age curve. However, their heights and head circumfrences are actually okay, between 20 & 40%. Lily weighs 17lbs 8 oz and Avery weighs 19lbs 4oz. We've talked to our GI doc who told us we're already doing everything right as far as adding fat to their diets...you should see the amount of butter, cream, pasta, avocado, and cheese that gets ingested by these girls...it is astonishing. And yet, it's not helping. So now we're going to try a supllement called Duocal (I know you preemie moms out there know what this is). It's a tasteless soluble powder that you mix into their drinks or watery foods that is basically just carbs and fat. We'll go back for a weight check in a month to see if it's helping at all. Fingers crossed...it is just so darn frustrating when you're doing everything they tell you to do, and yet you don't get the results you want and you're talking about your child's life. Richard tells me over and over not to take it personally, but I always have a hard time NOT taking things personally. We have been through so much with these girls, we've overcome, powered through, worked so hard with therapists...and yet we just can't get over this hump..at least not yet.

I'm trying not be down about it, but I think I'm also just having a bit of a down Zoe day. These days come and go and today marks 5 months that she's been gone. I will get these waves of sadness that come crashing over me with no trigger...just an image will flash in my head (usually an image from her last 24 hours when we were in the ER and PICU) and I just lose it. It happens when I'm alone most often and at night...nighttime is still a challenge. Anyway, cross your fingers that the Duocal will be our magic potion!