Beach portraits

Check out our slideshow!!!! These photos are a small sampling of the portraits my sister, Naomi, did for us last month. She is a beautiful soul, extraordinarily talented, and puts her heart into ever picture she takes.

Visit her website and a special note to moms in GA & NC she's headed this way in a couple months and will be available for portrait sessions. Email me if you're interested.

Too cute!!!

These pics were just too cute...I had to share them

Sister love

OT with Lily and Avery

Lily got into Mimi's sewing cabinet

First fingerpainting - they created masterpieces!

Lily's first fingerpainting

Are my girls 19 months old or 3 years old??? They look so big!

Thank you Lauren

I have to send out a huge, enormous, gigantic THANK YOU to my dear friend Lauren. She, her hubby, and their precious little girl came to spend the weekend with us. Lauren and I had one mission - to clean up all my crap! I had become so disorganized over the last two years (since getting pregnant) and even moreso once the girls were born, and then home, and then Zoe....I had piles on top of piles lining the walls of most of the rooms of my house. The countertops in my kitchen were piled too...it's a wonder Richard has been able to cook a single meal, let alone the culinary masterpieces he produces.

Lauren did it.

On Saturday morning she said "where do you want to start?"

I replied "with the easiest room"

To which she responded "nope, we're doing the hardest room first"

And so it began...we sorted, we trashed, we organized (or I should say she organized). My main job was to go through every pile and either trash or keep and tell her what it was and if it was critical or not. I tell you what...we are going to have one kick-*@! yard sale once the weather cools down a bit. It is incredible how much nicer it is to walk through my house...to walk into my bedroom and only see a bed, bedside tables, and lamps...no bills, no mail, insurance claims, no kid toys, nothing but a calm serene space. When we tackled my closet...she plainly said "mail should never come into your closet, period!" She was good with me, kept me going, was firm when she needed to be, and understanding as well.

It was an incredibly emotional experience on many levels. There was the utter shame and disgust that I had allowed us to live amidst these piles and clutter for so long. She kept telling me it wasn't that bad, I'm sure she's seen worse, but coming from what I know her house looks like...I was embarassed. I also had many moments of sadness as each pile I went through...there would be a photo or a momento, a tiny blood pressure cuff, a card with handprints or footprints... all reminding me of where the girls started off in life and how far they've come...and of course, that Zoe isn't here.

I had a make-shift keepsake box for each of the girls...I have things that I can't bear to part with that were Zoe's. We had a cart in our room with all of her medical supplies (nasal canulas, oxygen tubing, tape, extra g-tubes, etc.) I had not been able to touch it since she died. We don't need these things, some of the items were things that had been sent incorrectly that I never got around to returning and yet I could not even throw those items, that Zoe never used or even needed to use...I couldn't throw them away. These items, these things, they all represented her and kept her presence in my life where I could see something in every corner to remind me of her. I went through the hundreds of sympathy cards we received after she died and made note of people I still need to thank or write to or call. I found the mother's day and father's day cards that were made for us in the hospital, each containing her handprint and footprint...the only cards she'll ever give us. I found the mirror that was in her crib at the hospital...the one that she stared at endlessly. I found the Christmas stockings the hospital made when they were just four days old, each with a photo and an attempt to make these 1 pound babies look like there was hope, when we didn't know if there was. I saw the polaroid photos that were taken before Zoe came home. I left a camera at her bedside so that we could get as many pictures as possible of the people who cared for her, especially the night nurses, many of whom I never met in person since I was there during the day. There was such joy in these pictures, such hope, she had gotten through the worst part and was coming home. When I watch the few movies I have, I just hear the innocence and happiness in our voices when we were with her...we had no idea we only had four months left with her.

There were a few things I just kept, just like they were...like her bouncy seat, it still sits in my room, it hasn't moved, no one sits in it...but I can't let anyone move it. I just can't. I remember how angry I was when, on my birthday, someone moved her highchair into the garage to make more room for people in the family room. I remember walking into the family room and stopping in my tracks when I noticed there were only two high chairs...my first sudden reminder that I have only two left. It's kind of the same for the bouncy chair...Lily and Avery never cared for this particular chair all that much, but Zoe sat in it a lot before she could sit with just a boppy for support. She spent quite a bit of time in that chair...she was the last one to sit in it and I just can't move it.

Lauren did something that helped me, she could see that I needed Zoe's things out, not just stashed in a box in a closet; and so she took a basket and collected a few items and a photo that were particularly meaningful and made kind of a display basket for me, which I now treasure. I can't thank her enough, I don't know how I will ever repay her kindness, her patience, and her compassion. And if anyone lives in the Atlanta area and wants a super organizer to help you...let me know and I'll hook you up...but be warned, be prepared to WORK! This is not something she does for people on her own, you do the work, she helps you organize it and gives you tools for keeping it from becoming that way again.

While we were busy purging my paperwork...the girls were playing with their newest friend Lola. Lola is 15 months old and so, so cute! She looks like she could be related to Avery and Lily with her dark hair and dark eyes. The girls were so cute together, Lily kept following Lola around, and would get up real close to her and look at her and look at us and smile, you could tell she wanted to just hug Lola so tight, it was precious. At one point I saw them all together in the playroom and for a brief flash, I thought "this is what it was supposed to be like in our playroom...three little girls running around together". It was kind of nice in a way to get a glimpse of what I thought life would have looked like with Avery, Lily, and Zoe playing together...but also made me miss Zoe even more, you see we should have had FOUR little girls running around together that day. Our wonderful husbands took excellent care of our girls and everyone seemed completely worn out by day's end. All in all, it was a very productive weekend...now I'm left with Richard's office, the laundry room, and my 40 item to-do list!!!

Bath time for the girls. I'm not sure Lola liked having two extra bodies in the tub!

Dinner time - Lola introduced the girls to the wonders of turkey dogs! They were a huge hit

Story time with Uncle Jake

18 month check up

Ha...just two days and here I am again. Granted it's past 1 am and I should be sleeping...but sleeping just doesn't come easily for us these days. Anyway, we had our 18 month check up today which went very well...from a developmental and speech standpoint they are on par with their ACTUAL age peers, which is great. Growth and weight gain are still a problem though. Lily is pretty far below the curve for her adjusted age and Avery is only barely on the adjusted age curve. However, their heights and head circumfrences are actually okay, between 20 & 40%. Lily weighs 17lbs 8 oz and Avery weighs 19lbs 4oz. We've talked to our GI doc who told us we're already doing everything right as far as adding fat to their diets...you should see the amount of butter, cream, pasta, avocado, and cheese that gets ingested by these girls...it is astonishing. And yet, it's not helping. So now we're going to try a supllement called Duocal (I know you preemie moms out there know what this is). It's a tasteless soluble powder that you mix into their drinks or watery foods that is basically just carbs and fat. We'll go back for a weight check in a month to see if it's helping at all. Fingers crossed...it is just so darn frustrating when you're doing everything they tell you to do, and yet you don't get the results you want and you're talking about your child's life. Richard tells me over and over not to take it personally, but I always have a hard time NOT taking things personally. We have been through so much with these girls, we've overcome, powered through, worked so hard with therapists...and yet we just can't get over this hump..at least not yet.

I'm trying not be down about it, but I think I'm also just having a bit of a down Zoe day. These days come and go and today marks 5 months that she's been gone. I will get these waves of sadness that come crashing over me with no trigger...just an image will flash in my head (usually an image from her last 24 hours when we were in the ER and PICU) and I just lose it. It happens when I'm alone most often and at night...nighttime is still a challenge. Anyway, cross your fingers that the Duocal will be our magic potion!

This will take a while

It has been quite a while since I last posted. I'm almost afraid I may get kicked out of blogland! Almost 7 weeks....yikes!

My excuses are as follows:
1. I'm trying to spend more time with Richard in the evenings, instead of buried in my computer leaving me much less time to blog or keep up to date with my blogging buddies.

2. We've been super busy lately...even went on vacation for 2 weeks and did NOT have internet!!!

3. It takes me forever to get my photos uploaded and I knew I could not do an update without photos...I'm kind of slack when it comes to getting photos from my camera to the computer...and forget about actually printing them. I'm not even sure anyone in my family has the girls' 8 month and 1 year portraits!

So...excuses aside, here's what's been going on. We did take a wonderful vacation, thanks to a dear, dear friend who let us use their fabulous beach house. It was perfect, right on the beach, with a pool, and plenty of room for our family members to come and join us. Avery and Lily thoroughly enjoyed themselves. The first day we walked out to the beach, I put Lily down, she headed straight for the water...as soon as the waves hit her toes, she sat down and was literally as happy as a clam. She'd get up, walk around a bit, wave at the people walking or biking by, then walk back to the water and sit for a minute. I think she could have done this all day long if we had let her. Avery took a bit more coaxing to even touch the sand, much less the water. In fact, she would hike her legs up so high to avoid touching the ground if we were trying to sit her in the water or on the beach. She preferred to stay on the blanket or in the pool. We did get her distracted a couple of times by looking for shells and the last day we were there we had these great tidal pools that offered her a way to enjoy the beach without too much fuss.

My mom and sister joined us for a few days and then Richard's parents, sister, and our neice and nephews came for a few days. It was so great for my sister, and Richard's sister to get a chance to really spend time with the girls...my sister lives across the country and Richard's sister and her kids live about an hour and half away, and have very busy schedules between school, dance, hockey, etc so our visits with them are usually limited to a few hours. I loved seeing the girls interact with their cousins and their cousins are always so sweet to them. We really couldn't have asked for a better vacation.

Of course, like all things, it was bittersweet. Zoe wasn't there. We brought her ashes with us and one night Richard and I walked out into the water together and sprinkled a bit of her into the ocean. We wanted to think of her as being free to roam about in the water and go wherever she wants to go...and also to be somewhere that had significance for us, our first family vacation. It seemed for me that as the trip went on, I missed her more and more. I suppose the first few days, it was a new place, kind of a new routine...but we spent two weeks there so of course it all comes back, you never escape pain or grief...it follows you. I would replay each day in my head as if she were there, just imagining what she might have thought of the sand and the water...would she squeal with glee like Lily or prefer to be a sunbathing beauty like Avery? I don't ever picture her without her oxygen, and both Richard and I talked about how we could just see ourselves on the beach with her, O2 tank and all...just having a fun time. I still miss her so much, it hurts a lot still.

It's been 5 months almost and I still can't believe it some days and I do think sometimes that there must be some way I can get her back...some day someone will invent a time machine and I can go back, change everything I wish I could change, and maybe she'd still be here. I'm still battling guilt, but my meds have finally gotten worked out and I do feel more like myself. I still cry every day but I don't feel quite so crippled by my grief and depression, I can function, I want to do things, I enjoy doing things. Although my psychiatrist says I'm displacing my grief and self-medicating through some impulsive behavior I've exhibited. I know this is true, but I do feel as if I've taken a few steps forward at least...or maybe one step forwards and another sideways...but I don't feel like I'm going backwards. I can see how easy it is to become obsessive about things or for people to easily fall into addiction when you're experiencing such intense pain and grief, luckily I have an incredible husband that refused to give up on me...I can see I was headed down a very scary path and had he not been as persistant as he was when I needed him to be, I wouldn't be here right now. We're trying really hard to keep things together, it is tough. Any kind of traumatic event is hard on a marriage, and we've been through several in the last 19+ months...we've been in survival mode for so long, we've got to find our way back to being married as opposed to simply coexisting. Again, I thank God every day for Richard, I thank Him for the incredible father that he is, for being my one true best friend on this planet, for his compassion, for refusing to give up on me and on us, when it would have been so much easier to do just that. We've got a tough road ahead, I know this, but he keeps reminding me in his simple, loving ways and in the way he talks and listens, that we are in this together, he's not going anywhere and neither am I and we have the same common goal...to honor Zoe's life and to raise our beautiful, incredible little girls we have on Earth.

Now...speaking of those other two little girls, they are walking and talking constantly. Avery is a little mimic and a parrot, she and Lily both know just about every body part there is (including their tushies, Avery will grab Lily's when they're in the tub), they know and can identify just about any animal we put in front of them, and Avery can even count to two! Or at least she understands the concept of having two things. They will say "mo-mo...whoa, whoa" which means sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Avery has developed quite the Southern accent, I am proud to say, I'm not even sure how to spell this phonetically...but my dad and stepmom made up this song about a whiporwill...so when Avery wants me to sing it she'll look at me and go "weep-o-weeeell" (must be spoken with a drawn out, southern accent) she and Lily both say "bye-bye" with a sweet little accent too. Some other cute things they say:

noonles = noodles
papa = paci
gampa = grandpa
abba = Abby (our pug)
mac = can refer to just about any pasta product
shabba = shovel
hewo = hello (said to anything slightly resembling a phone such as a remote, a shoe horn, a calculator and whenever the phone rings)

when asked to "shake your money maker" Lily will break out in dance and shake her tushie
when asked to sing a song they both get these sweet, soft, high voices and go "la,la,la,ya,ya"
when asked what the baby said at the doctor's office, Avery will tell you, in an almost mocking tone with a mocking little look on her face, although no ill-will is meant "waaa, waaa"
while feeding Avery a chicken nugget, I asked her "do you want more chicken?" to which she answered "bock, bock" I took that as a yes!

hayu = hair
habuger = hey big girl
emo = Elmo
toosh = tush
oli-oli = ravioli
an no-no = Aunt Nomi
an def = Aunt Steph
oogle = Uncle Tony

They both love Jack Johnson, Tom Petty, Shakira, and the Gipsy Kings and they love to dance after dinner or really any time of day, they seem to find music and rhythm in just about anything...even my squeeky dryer, Lily will hear it and start her little rump shaking. They were given little flutes (more like a recorder you probably had to play in elementary school) by our speech therapist and they play those things all the time. They just love to make music, I've got to find some kind of Kindermusik class or something for them to express themselves musically. We've started to draw but only with a magna doddle or aqua doodle...no mess, no clean up, they can suck on the pen and not get poisoned and they can't ruin the furniture. I brought out the jumbo crayons and they went straight in their mouths, even when I showed them what to do with them, they didn't care, they just turned around, stuck it in their mouths, and tried to walk away...we'll try again in a few weeks. Oh...big accomplishment, no more bottles and down to one nap with no need for rocking to sleep!! Yippeee!!!! I'm sure more stuff will come to me later and I'll update again as far as the cute, cute things they do all day long.

Let's see...what else...oh yeah, Father's Day. I was in Oregon for my sister's graduation so I took the red eye back so I'd be home Sunday morning. The girls gave him a t-shirt that had a silkscreened name tag sticker on it that said "Hi, my name is DaDa" and I gave him a personalized stepping stone that reads "Grown with love, then has three little girls (one with angel wings) and below the little girls their names, it turned out beautifully. Richard has planted an incredible vegetable garden for us, I swear our corn is 9 feet tall! Anyway, I got the stepping stone with the intention for him to place it somewhere in the garden. And speaking of gardens, I planted Zoe's morning glories some time ago and the vines are really growing. We're trying to get them to grow up the side of our house, no blossoms yet, I'm not sure when they're supposed to bloom. I'm just glad they're growing. My dear friend Alice gave me a rose bush which I've planted near the morning glories, so we're kind of starting our memorial garden for Zoe which makes me happy.

My sister did graduate from her photography program (go Nomi!) which is very exciting. She is incredibly talented (check our her blog and her website) and wants to do editorial photography. She is currently interning with a woman who is doing photography for some books about wine in Oregon and she's also got an opportunity to be the second shooter at an LPGA tournament in August. So, very cool stuff going on for her. She's planning a visit some time this fall so if anyone is local and wants portraits done, she will be available for hire. I'll post that later though.

And...while I was in Oregon I got a tattoo. (thus my impulsive behavior) It's not little either and it's not hidden. I originally wanted a small rose with angel wings on the inside of my left wrist, I wanted something permanently on me that would constantly remind me of Zoe. I have two necklaces that I often wear together, one is a locket with Zoe's picture inside and the other is a collection of Me & Ro charms. One of the charms has the symbol for courage, which Richard gave me when we first knew we were having triplets. The second symbol is for joy, which was Zoe's first Christmas present when she was just 5 days old. I also have a charm given to me by a friend that is a simple circle with the word hope repeated around the circle. Courage, joy, hope...my mantra. Anyway, these are things that come off, that do come off almost every day and I need to feel as if Zoe is still a part of me, permanently and physically attached, so I thought a tattoo, something simple, delicate to represent her would be nice. But as I thought about it I realized I couldn't just represent Zoe. The three girls are a unit and they will always be a unit so the idea evolved. When I went in to the tattoo studio I said I wanted a flower to represent each girl on the inside of my wrist...a rose for Zoe, a lily for Lily, and an elfin orchid for Avery (her name means ruler of the elves). The woman who owned the studio informed me that I would not be able to get what I wanted in a small area. For it to not look cartoony and to be graceful and fluid, it needed detail and detail needs space. So, the idea grew. I went the next day to meet the guy that was going to do it and to check out the drawing and it was so beautiful, it was absolutely perfect. I decided to put it on my upper left arm...a place where I would see it constantly but could also be covered up if I ever needed it to be for professional reasons. It took about an hour and a half and Jesse at Adorn Body Art couldn't have been nicer, he kept telling me how honored he was to be doing this for me. It hurt...but I think I also needed for it to hurt. You see, the pain I feel for losing Zoe, is very empty, it's very dull...it's kind of hard to explain...but it just isn't tangible and yet it's there but can't be outwardly felt. So I think I needed this pain of doing the tattoo to feel some tangible sense of pain. It was actually very therapeutic and I love it. I want to add to it...but I'll wait. I did do something kind of bad though...I didn't tell Richard until I got home...needless to say he was none too pleased. I now realize it was selfish and childish of me not to tell him what I wanted to do and I have no other excuse. But if he wants to get one, I'll get another one :) What's really funny is that no one who sees me thinks it's real. They think it's some sort of fake tatto or decal, I guess because it's a bit "out of character" for me. But I don't care. Avery seems to like it too...she will point at each flower and I'll tell her which flower stands for which one of them and she'll just keep pointing to each one over and over. Lily has even tried to "sniff" the flowers, which was cute.

So other than that we've had some playdates, we've been to another petting zoo, we went to the aquarium with the Guinn Triplets , we had our preemie reunion at the hospital the girls were born at (Jill, please email me your pics so I can add them to my slideshow), we go to OT once per week, and swimming twice per week, and I'm working twice a week for a friend of mine which is going well. I've got two slideshows that I've posted, one that is just of our beach trip and the other is of all the other fun stuff we've done so far this summer, scroll to the very bottom of the page to view them. With RSV season once again knocking at the door in a couple of months, I'm trying to take every opportunity to get out of the house with the girls and they really seem to enjoy the outings.

I do have a couple of prayer requests for those of you that are willing. The first is for a fellow triplet mom blogger (Four Silly Sisters) and her family...her husband will be deployed to Iraq in August for a year leaving her with her four little girls. Please keep them in your hearts and in your prayers as they face this year without their Daddy. I also have a friend who will be undergoing surgery shortly to remove a mass in his lung...it's been biopsied, it's not cancer, but they don't know what it is and it is causing him quite a bit of pain. He has a young family and we are all concerned for them. And finally, I have a dear friend who is on the verge of adopting a baby boy from Vietnam, they are awaiting their final phone call which could come any day or could come in a few months...at any rate, this is very exciting so please pray for them and for that little boy who will soon have a wonderful, warm, loving home.

And finally...I have to give a big thank you to Stef who provided me with beautiful photo canvases of Avery and Lily. She did one of Zoe for me shortly after her death and I needed to have all three girls displayed together so she graciously took on the task despite her very busy schedule. Thank you so much Stef, I love seeing my three girls...together, in one place again. It makes me cry tears of joy each day I see them together.

So I'll try not to wait quite so long before I post again...thanks to all of you for not giving up on me either. Make sure to scroll ALL THE WAY DOWN towards the bottom of the page (past the old posts) to get to the slideshows. I just added on with pictures of Zoe that I had stored on my camera phone. I used to take pictures of the girls during our days and text them to Richard when he was at work to give him a boost if he needed it. It's taken me this long to figure out how to get them from my old phone to my computer.