Still going

It's been a while since I last wrote...I suppose I'm a little worried that you'll stop reading if all the posts are the same, which right now they will be. It's now been two months and 6 days since I last hugged my daughter and it's been two months and 7 days since I last hugged her alive. The pain has gotten worse. For me, the pain and the magnitude of her absence is all around me. I spend my days at home with Avery and Lily and I can't walk into a room or look at a toy or a piece of clothing or the bathtub (the list goes on and on) without thinking about her. If I had a way to get out of the house and away maybe that would help. I don't want to run from it, I just need a little rest period from it. There is never a moment in the day that I don't think about her. It doesn't matter what I'm doing...taking Lily to OT, going to Target, putting the girls in the kiddie swimming pool, giving them a bath, feeding them dinner....each of those moments occur and the thoughts in my head swirl around the time that passes ...what would Zoe be doing? would she like eggs and cheese and mac & cheese as much as the others? Would her feeding issues start to resolve if we were able to find a table food that she like the flavor of? I imagine that we would have needed to buy a larger tub to fit all three of them together...with everyone sitting up, laughing, and splashing, trying to drink the tub water, washing each others hair (yes, they do this) I want her there! I want her to enjoy those moments with her sisters and I want her sisters to enjoy those moments with her.

Maybe Avery and Lily already are enjoying them with her. I have had more than one response from mothers and their children since Zoe's death that brings me instantly to tears at the sheer simplicity and innocence in a child's understanding of her death. I had one friend whose daughter is just a year old and they decided to hang a carved angel over her baby's bedroom door. They have named the angel "Warrior Princess Zoe - angel for all babies". They look up at the angel every time they pass through that door. This same friends' sister has young children who sent me artwork of Zoe as an angel. And I got a very touching letter from a past client who has young children. She spoke of a time she sat at her computer watching the Zoe slide show and listening to the music with her four year old daughter. She asked in her letter "how do you explain this to a four year old?" But it seems her daughter already had the answer, she stated simply that God needed Zoe in heaven with Him to watch over all the little kids.

Maybe it is just that simple? In my early conversations with friends when our trio was born, I heard many many times that their children had added Avery, Lily, and Zoe to their bedtime prayers. I always loved so much that children were praying for my girls. Not that I don't think God hears every prayer, I know He does...but sometimes I think He hears the prayers of children most of all. They are still young and wrapped in a cloak of innocence that we adults have long shoved off. To them the world is one open door, one new wonder after another...prejudice is not born yet in their understandings, they laugh clearer and deeper than any adult, their needs are simple and easily fulfilled...such contrast to so many of us adults don't you think? Maybe I need to stop this unending search for why and simply accept what these children are saying to me...because if God listens to the children most of all wouldn't it be the children who have the most important things to say? So maybe it is just that, God needed her, he had a larger job for her to do in Heaven, even larger than he gave her on Earth where she delighted and touched so many hearts and lives. She gave us our marching orders....to keep on going, get the Foundation up and running and start helping others.

And I'll do this, I will, and in my good moments I have desire and drive...but these moments are few and far between. Mostly, what I want is to lay in bed with Zoe, curled up in a comfy blanket and just breathe in every ounce of her being. I want to feel the rhythm of the rise and fall of her chest, I want to hear that little squeal of a laugh, I want to just cuddle up next to her and savor every second...no clock to watch, no meds to give, just Zoe and me, mom and daughter snuggling and comforting.

The grief counseling is going well, it is helping Richard and I to stay focused on communicating, something I am not good at from a verbal standpoint. If a marriage could survive on writing letters, that I could do easily. At any rate, I have my moments of not being able to talk but I'm getting better and expressing my thoughts and he is getting better and listening and helping me work through things. But I have ZERO energy. I often feel like I need to take a nap every time the girls do and I can't function like that. My OB is sending me to the Women's Mental Health Program at Emory which I hope will help. I just need to know if what I'm feeling and thinking is just normal to the grief process or if I'm really developing something seriously wrong in my brain b/c sometimes I do think I kind of teeter on the edge, one little gust of wind and I'd be falling down that cavernous well. So at least I recognize there is a problem and I am getting help and support for the problem. Now I need a magic guilt wand to wave away all my Mommy guilt, all the if only's and the what if's and the I should have's.....they give me nightmares, so I don't sleep. Except now, I'm really tired so I'll continue this stream of consciousness at another date.


Lynn Leaming said...

I was just blog jumping tonight from the Pollard Triplets blog and discovered yours. I am so sorry to read about Zoe and your loss. May the God of all Comfort keep his promise of 2 Corinthians 1:3 and continue to surround you with His gentle hands of comfort and may our Lord Jesus give you rest.

McTriplet Mommy said...

Thinking of you, Keira. I'm here if you want to talk.

Take care,

MaryBeth said...

Still saying a little prayer for you every single day!

Andrea said...

(((Hugs))) and prayers are sent your way to help you through yet another day.

mom of Andre and Anton (apmultiples)

Erin said...

You don't know me, but I cried when I read your post. I will keep you in my prayers.

Kelly said...

Keira, I too wish I had a magic wand to ease your pain. You in my thoughts and prayers always.

nancy said...

Hi Keira,

You could just be the bravest person I know. Good for you for going to the WMHP at Emory--sometimes teetering on the edge with situational depression after an unthinkable loss is both normal but also something that needs treatment. You are doing exactly the right thing to work on this--almost as if you have an angel on your shoulder giving you really excellent marching orders.



Anonymous said...

As a Mommy of twins who reads your blog , I wish you peace and strength. YOu are already such a strong and loving Mom, I know God will take care of your family..Zoe is sitting right next to him making sure her Mom keeps strong so that she can take care of her sisters. Bless you and your family, may Zoe's beautiful spirit lift you up and carry you through.

Fellow Multiple Mommy

Anonymous said...

I say a prayer for you and your family often. I will always keep reading your posts as I know this is your way of grieving and as helpless as we all are, this is something we can do. My heart hurts for you as I read your words, your most deepest feelings, and I will continue to pray that you will find peace somehow, someway. Love from Chicago,

A fellow triplet Mom

The Stephens said...

Thinking of you and your amazing family. My heart aches for your pain and your unbelievable loss.
Love from Kansas City

Jen Clark said...

I found your blog yesterday, from Karen's blog, while on a search for a formula recipe. I didn't leave a comment, b/c I just didn't know what I could possibly say. We nearly lost one of my twins during delivery, and I cannot fathom the depth of your pain. I came back today b/c I was thinking of you and saying a little prayer for you and your family. I am so so sorry for your loss. Zoe is absolutely beautiful and truly a warrior. I will keep praying for you and keep reading your thoughts. Peace, my friend.

Dorinda said...

I am still checking your blog often and keeping you in my prayers. I think about you all the time. Please know that you are not alone.

Keep recording and sharing how you feel. Better to get it out then keep it inside. None of us expect that you are over this or that you ever will be. So please keep sharing and we'll keep praying.

God bless,

Stacey said...

Keira, I have read your blog for a very long time. I think of you often and check your blog near daily. I just discovered today that you have been posting it is just below Zoe's memorial vedio. As a triplet mommy, as you will always be, my heart aches for you. With the strength of the Lord and that precious Zoe as well as Avery and Lily some how you will find some peace. I will continue to pray for you and your girls.

guinnf said...

I just got my SuperTwins Magazine in yesterday and saw the lovely tribute to Zoe. The words were once again beautiful. If you need extra copies, I'll send you mine.

Kimberly and the GA Guinn Triplets

Anonymous said...

wow! your honesty is overwhelming!
thank you so much for sharing your inner thoughts!
god is with you
(came to your side through some others.....)

Karen said...

Keira, you're in my prayers every night. I think of you constantly and I am still at a loss for words, which is why I don't comment more often. I wish there were more I could do for you. I thought of Zoe on every step of our MoD walk on Sunday.

All time favorite video of Zoe!

Popular Posts

Bible verses that comfort me

"Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord."
~ 2 Corinthians 5:8

"Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children....Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them"
~ Mark10:14 & 10:16

"...those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint"~ Isaiah40:31