I've become an addict

I admit it - I have become a total blogging addict. I spend way too many hours, (in the wee hours) checking out blogs. I am, as one of my favorites calls it, a "baby blog addict" - we are the people whose lives have been forever changed by having children and we want to know what others like us are doing. Are the babies having sleep issues? Do they still get to do the hanky panky with their spouse? What are the babies eating? What are they doing to get that extra baby fat off their bodies? So many questions, so much to learn. I really only visit the blogs of women who have triplets (or more) and it is so fascinating. To peek in on the lives of these mothers and read about the funny, funny things these little ones do is such fun. I've always been a people watcher - you can ask my hubby anytime how many times I haven't heard a word he's said at dinner because I'm staring at a group of people two tables over trying to figure out their story...now I can do this all from the privacy of my own home - since I rarely go anywhere these days unless it's a doctor's office, I can people watch to my heart's content!

I so enjoy these blogs for several reasons, first just to know there are others out there like us and second many of these little kiddos are 18 months + so it gives me a little window to look in on the future and all the wonderful things we have to look forward to like - a trip to the zoo, the girls laughing and playing together and playing some sort of make believe, eating normal people food, swimming lessons....the list goes on and on. What I like most is that all of these moms are so happy and enjoy their lives and their children so much. They've gotten past most of the preemie issues, the doctor's appointments, the feeding issues, the sleepless nights - and they are just loving their kids and having the best time. It shows me that there is light at the end of this tunnel - there is hope! I've befriended a woman who had 25 weeker triplet girls who are now almost 8 years old - one of the things she said she wanted to give me was hope - and she does as do all these other moms out there that don't even know they're doing it.

This brings me to another point - there are these moms out there giving me hope and they don't know it - can you imagine how many lives we each must touch in a day, a month, a year and we don't even know it? It is a reminder to be mindful of what we do, what we say, to be your true self, you never know who could be influenced. Most importantly our children! My babies are 8 months old, 5 adjusted and they watch my every move! A and L are showing super signs of jealousy these days. If I'm holding one, the other will reach for me, stare bullets through me, or give out a little moany-whine. When I was talking to L this morning while changing her diaper, my mom said that A was listening to my every word...I never knew it could start this early. For so long I could only stare at them and wonder if they knew I was at their bedside, now the don't miss a thing I do or say - how incredible! I love being a mom, it is the most wonderful part of my life (aside from my wonderful hubby of course).

So for an update on our sweet Z - she had a tiny setback last week where she was requiring more oxygen so they changed her steroid course a bit but will try to wean it again later this week. She's been doing great on bottles - she now gets three during the day with a continuous tube feeding at night. She takes anywhere from one ounce to almost three ounces!! And she loves it, she stares intently at the nurses while they add the rice cereal and mix it up. We've also started her Parent/Infant program sessions with the Atlanta Speech School. We have only had one session so far and will have our second tomorrow. The first one consisted of our early hearing intervention specialist observing Z's behavior with her hearing aids and without them. Through observation, she feels that Z may not have quite the severity of hearing loss as the ABR showed...Z responded to speech sounds without her hearing aids, which a child with severe to profound loss would not do. We will continue to monitor and test her responsiveness as her hearing could progress or it could worsen, we don't know. The best thing we can do for her right now to help her develop language and understanding that sounds have meaning. I was watching a video today about communicating with your hearing impaired baby and the narrator noted that it is our job to explain the world to Z - she will not get any information inadvertantly or matter of factly. Every sound, every noise - it all has meaning which we know immediately without thinking about it - it is our job now to teach Zoe this very thing. Still no discharge date, maybe another month? It all depends on her respiratory stability and improvement.

I'm afraid to write this because I don't want to jinx it, but A and L have been doing much better on their feeding, I don't know exactly what happened and it isn't perfect, but A will actually reach for her bottle which is amazing! She will still put up a fuss but instead of every bottle every day, it's more like one or two of the feedings in the day. L is doing okay too, she had a little stomach trouble since we introduced solids - she love sweet potatoes and carrots, but her belly sure didn't like them. We'll have to stick to the bland beige fruits for now.

If you look over to the column on the right I've got two new features - a guestbook so you can leave messages and comments for my girls as well as an RSS feed so you can get updates automatically. I won't send out the mass update email anymore now that you can choose to be updated if you want, I hated to bombard you all with updates if you didn't want to be updated :)

So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we want so badly for our little Z to come home.

Some favorite pics

All the girls are doing well - learning to roll over and sit up and they've even started giggling! There is nothing like the sound of your child laughing! Wow!!! If only I could flip a switch so I could hear that beautiful sound over and over whenever I want to. Z continues to progress, she fifnally got her hearing aids. Richard and I were there with the audiologist and saw her eyes get really big when they first put one on her...it was so amazing to see her respond to sound. The audiologist said for us to remember that her hearing age is that of a newborn so we should not expect her to react to sound the way A and L do, she has to learn that sound has meaning and which sounds are important. We will start working with her through the Atlanta Speech School soon which I am really looking forward to. The pulmanologist saw Z and said the criteria for discharge is to be on 1/2 liter of O2 (she's currently btwn 1 1/2 nd 2 liters) and she must not desat below 80% when the canula isn't in her nose - right now she desats to 70% within 2 minutes! So she's got a ways to go yet, but she has been changed to taking 4 bottles during the day and a continuous tube feeding at night, she LOVES her bottles and does really well with them. She is so cute, she watches and sees the nurse getting her bottle ready and she'll sit up and start waving her little chubby arms around 'cause she wants her bottle!!! My sister has been in town for the last two weeks (I don't think we can let her leave) and she has captured some wonderful photos of my girls, we are so fortunate to have such incredible talent in the family :) So we're hanging in there, working on feeding with Avery and Lily and watching them learn and do new things every day. Please enjoy the photos and feel free to comment on how cute they are!!!

Sweet little A

Aunt Nomi and Z cuddling

Z getting ready for a bath

A reading her favorite book

L reading her book

Mimi with L and A

Sweet Little A

L's turn in front of the camera

Beautiful Zo Zo

See Z's hearing aid with purple sparkles????

Mom and her girls

My sister has been in town from Portland, OR and was kind enough to do a few photo sessions with my girls. She is an amazing photographer and I am so grateful that she could do this for us. She'll be back for Christmas and their 1st birthday - and yes she is for hire.....

Remembering to be joyful

So I've had a little lesson in remembering to be joyful. I get so bogged down sometimes and feel like I live in a constant state of fear - will my babies eat today? will they gain weight? will Zoe come home? will Zoe be able to learn to communicate? are there any hidden health concerns or development delays that we have yet to find out? And of course there is the guilt that follows - I didn't lay down enough while on modified bedrest, I didn't eat enough protein, I didn't relax enough, I didn't carry them long enough...and so on and so forth. I'm told that many parents of preemies live in a state of fear for the first couple of years. There aren't many "What to expect the first year" - type books for preemies. The books we have are few and far between and most all of them say "every baby is different" or "here are milestones for a term baby, but don't worry if your baby doesn't do these things based on their adjusted age, preemies are wired differently" and most preemie moms I've spoken with say "go with your instinct it's all you've got, if you feel something is wrong or not quite right with your baby, get a therapist - speech, feeding, physical, occupational, whatever it takes. Be an advocate for your child.

I spoke recently with the woman who runs Parents Partnered for Preemies - a support network for NICU parents at Northside - she has a very touching and heartwrenching story herself and thus really understands what it's like - not to mention that this is what she does every day - she supports moms like me. She spent nearly two hours with me at Zoe's bedside telling me her story, listening to me talk, not telling me what to do, but giving me hope. She reminded me that our babies are unique - they came into this world early and developed outside the womb in a very negative environment - being poked and stuck and suctioned when in a perfect world they would have been swimming in the warmth of my womb. We talked all about feeding issues and bringing babies home with "equipment" and that as a parent somehow you dig deep and you deal with it. She told me of the numerous times her son would have bradycardiac episodes in which she would have to bag him to bring him back...this woman is incredible and true inspiration to me. She went through all of this about 14 years ago, unfortunately her son did not make it past the age of 4, but she spoke of the tremendous amount of joy her son gave them in those four years.

As she spoke of those four years I just had these running thoughts in my head, that she must have been a basketcase, so filled with anxiety every day but she said "No, I didn't live in fear. I enjoyed every moment of every day with him." She told me it was okay to have a pity party for myself every now and then, that I have to grieve for the "normal" pregnancy that didn't happen and the "normal" birth that didn't happen and the "normal" infancy of my babies that didn't happen. But the ultimate message I took away from my time with her, which she didn't say outright, was what a true gift of joy all children are to their parents. I often look at our three little girls (now all weighing over 12 pounds!) and I am awestruck by the sheer beauty and innocence in their eyes. Their skin is so perfect and soft, their eyes just sparkle with life and discovery and the joy they exhibit daily in their huge gummy smiles, and in the shrieks of happiness when we play - I am overcome with love and amazement.

It is so much fun to watch these little people grow and develop each day. Each day they learn something new or they'll do something and then stop, look at me for my reaction, of course receive accolades for their achievements, and then smile and look quite pleased with themselves! And they are each so different in personality - A is our observer, she's quiet, unless something is really bothering her, she'll talk and babble and even tried to giggle the other day - but when she looks at something, wow, the concentration in this tiny body is incredible. L, is kind of in her own little world and she lets you in when it's convenient for her - she is very vocal and is most often the first one awake. No soft cooing from her - she's a yeller! She has this cute laugh/cry she does when she's not sure if she's happy or not - it starts like a cry but crescendos in a huge smile and loud sigh. When you walk into the room, she may or may not look at you - that is if the toy in front of her is more exciting or eye catching. But when she does decide to take notice - her whole face lights up. Z - she can see into your soul with her huge, smoke grey, almond shaped eyes. She is very visual and has a pretty long attention span to just be content looking into your eyes and listening to you talk or sing to her. Sometimes I'm almost scared of her, it's like I can't hide my insecurities with her, I can't pretend around her, she knows me too well.

So, each day I will wake up and find the joy in my life by looking to the right at the incredible man in my life - how I got so lucky to have him AND three beautiful little girls is beyond me! I can not imagine going through this without him - his seemingly endless capacity for love and compassion has gotten me through these last 7+ months. And the devotion he has for these girls is palpable! And then I will look to my left at the crib that is still beside our bed and I will see those little swaddled bodies squirming around ready to start the day and I will look at the picture on my bedside table of my little Z who is fighting her hardest to get home - and I will feel joy.