A Candid Look at Grief

I came to know Franchesca about a year ago.  Someone sent me a link to her online magazine specifically for parents who have experienced infertility, pregnancy or infant loss.  In a word, Fran is an inspiration with a quiet grace about her that emanates in her writing and her art.  She is the founder of Still Standing Magazine, artist at Small Bird Studios, book author, an advocate for parents who experience a pregnancy or infant loss, gifted photographer, mother to beautiful children on Earth and her baby Jenna Belle in Heaven, and just a lovely human being.

When we spoke on the phone last year she asked if I would write a guest post for the magazine about my own grief journey and how I've found hope in the years since Zoe died.  I of course said yes, but then got busy with other things.  And then I started reading the quality of the articles that were posted in the magazine and I got intimidated.  The writers, all mothers who have lost children, are extraordinarily talented.  Sometimes I feel like I'm reading poetry, the writing is that good.  So I thought to myself, whatever I write had to be fantastic!  So I procrastinated.

I went through a period of a few months that were challenging for me personally.  I was really wrestling with my depression, working with a new psychiatrist on my medications and new therapy.  October through February are generally hard months for me as they include Zoe's NICU discharge anniversary, the holidays and her death.  That's five months out of the year that are more difficult than the other seven.  Nearly half a year and I have moments where I feel like my head is barely above water.  I hate that.  I don't like feeling that way, I don't like when I think I'm doing well the anxiety and depression will creep up behind me and gather me up again.  I want to change, I want it to be different and I'm working hard to make some changes.  But surely I could NOT write about that for Still Standing!  That doesn't sound hopeful one bit.  And isn't that what every grieving mother is looking for?  Hope???

I finally sat and wrote my reality.  During the process I uncovered some interesting details about myself...my need to label myself, my need to be a beacon of light, my fear that someone will pull back the curtain one day and find the real me that often feels broken.  I sent my article off to Franchesca with an honest fear that it wouldn't be what she was looking for to share with her readers.  To my delight, I was wrong.  Fran immediately responded she would love to share it and thought it would resonate with many moms struggling in the same ways.

Thank you Fran for encouraging me to share the reality of grief, the reality that healing takes time, it takes work, and it has peaks and valleys along the way.

You can read my article here: Broken, but not Shattered

Advocacy & Awareness

I've been honored to contribute guest posts to two different sites this month for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.  Please read and share them:

Life After NICU - offering support to families through all stages of their NICU experience and well beyond discharge day.  They have a blog and very active Facebook page.

Loving October, Living my Purpose

I love October.  Of all the seasons, Autumn is my favorite.  I love the crisp, fresh air that greets me in the morning when I step outside.  I love to pull my sweaters off of the shelves in my closet.  I love wearing my boots and hearing the crunch of the orange and yellow leaves under my feet.  I love pumpkin patches, state fairs, and hot apple cider.  While Autumn is the time of year when nature begins to wither away, I feel energized by the perfect sunny days that get me back outside after the sticky heat of the deep south.

October holds fond memories for me when significant experiences have occurred.  In 1998 my husband and I married on one of those perfect cool Autumn days in North Carolina.  If I could have hand picked the weather for that day, I would have picked exactly what we got.  Fast-forward nine years to October 7, 2007 when I finally got that wheelchair ride out of the hospital with the last of my triplet daughters, Zoe Rose.  My girls were born 15 weeks early and while Zoe’s sisters, Avery and Lily, spent 120 days in the NICU, Zoe was a much different baby with a far more complicated NICU course that lasted 291 days. Read the complete post 

National Premature Infant Health Coalition - a collaborative of professional, clinical, community health, and family support organizations focused on improving the lives of premature infants and their families.  Visit their website and Facebook page.

Story from a Parent

I usually like to remain in control.  I like to plan ahead and I love having a schedule.  Nothing gives me more satisfaction than making a list and then taking my dark brown sharpie and marking through one of my tasks.  When half my list is done, it’s time to start a new list on a fresh, clean piece of paper.  Control.  Having a plan and a purpose.  It really is just an illusion though, false security.  Any parent of a preemie or parent who has lost a child will tell you that and yet we may find ourselves grasping desperately for something to give us that security back, that sense of purpose.  While we may have once seen our lives laid out before us, after the trauma of loss or an extremely early birth, the future turns from high definition to fuzzy and unfocused.  How do we get life back into focus?  How do we find ourselves in a place where we can once again feel secure and grounded? Read the complete post

First Preemie Babies 101 Post

My first monthly post is up on www.preemiebabies101.com. Be sure to check it out and leave a comment!