The other day

We were looking at the videos and photos of the girls when they were infants and all three of them were at home.

Avery turns to me and says "I want to play with Zoe. I want to play with Zoe in Heaven."

Lily then turns to me and says "I want to play with Zoe too."

So do I girls.

So do I.

Don't forget the Dads

I think Father's Day is underhyped.

Mother's Day gets so much attention. You see commercials a month or more before the holiday for flowers and perfume and awful cheap jewelry. All these things that don't really mean a darn thing. All we really want is to know we're appreciated, to sleep a little late in the morning and not have to do much around the house for one day.

I don't think the Father's Day commercials started until about a week or so ago and it's all about the electronics and the grill and of course a new tie...bo-ring! It just seems like such a half hearted attempt to show your husband or dad that you love them and you know the sacrifices they make for you and your family. So, what brilliant, creative, thoughtful thing am I doing for my amazing husband of 10+ years? At the moment I'm only half sure.

I’m still wracking my brain for what to get Richard. What could I possibly get that would tell him everything I need to tell him about what a wonderful father he is? What material thing could say “I wouldn’t want anyone else to be the father of my children?” Or, “I couldn’t possibly raise them without you?” Or "Thanks for sticking by me when we were trying to make these beautiful babies". What will say “Thank you for making the French toast, the coffee, and taking the dog out so I could sleep for just an hour longer on a Saturday morning?”

What could I buy for him from the girls that would tell him “We know how deeply you love us. We know that you would do anything no matter the cost (material, physical or emotional) to ensure our safety, well being, and love. And we know how much you fight and work for our family, that you refused to let our family become a statistic in the wake of unimaginable tragedy. What could the girls give him that would say “We love it when you squish yourself into our little playhouse and let us make soup out of plastic chicken and chocolate milk for you. We love it when you lift us up over your head and twirl us around until we squeal with delight. We love it that you want to snuggle with us as we go to sleep each and every night. We love it that you aren’t afraid to take care of us for a day (or more) if mommy has to work or needs a day to herself. And we love it that you will have a tea party, splash in the pool, kick a ball around, or show us how to make your famous pancakes.”

How do you encapsulate this in something tangible? I’m not really sure it’s possible. At least I sit here, just a few days away from the holiday, empty handed. I just can’t come up with something that even comes close to telling him all of this in a material way.

Richard is an incredible man, husband, and father…anyone who knows him personally, and knows us, is fully aware of this. As a husband he is a true gift from God in my life. He stood vigil at our girls’ bedsides when they were born and I was too sick to visit them. He pulled me out of my downward spiral last year after Zoe’s death when all I truly wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. He refused to let me not be what I always wanted to be…a mother to our wonderful children. He has always supported me in everything I have ever had a passion about doing. He is my best friend.

My darling husband, as a father…is even more incredible. The love he has for his girls is so pure and so tender. I can already see into the future at how pained he’ll be when they ask to go out on their first date…I can already see it when he tries to buckle them into their booster seat and they say “No, I do it yourself”. These little 2 ½ year olds are already exerting their independence and it’s hard not to think about what the future holds even if we do have years yet to face it. He is far from the stereotypical man that shies away from talking about what’s going on. He is more likely to bring up tough subjects than I am and is also more likely to (and has been) express what he’s feeling than I am.

He isn’t afraid to take care of the girls by himself for a day or so. He is so cute, even if all I’ve asked is for him to have “baby duty” one night, which entails attending to the girls (mostly Avery) if they wake in the middle of the night and getting them their early morning cup of milk. He is so diligent that he’ll pre-make the cups of milk and pack them in a little travel cooler and put that cooler in their bedroom. That way it’s right there waiting and he doesn’t have to walk to the kitchen and groggily make their milk (like I do). If he has to watch them in the morning during breakfast he’s likely to prepare the pancake dry ingredients the night before to save time when they’re “starving” and getting cranky. (I should take pointers from all his planning so make my mornings run a little smoother!)

Most of all he loves them with his entire heart and soul and he tells them that! Even if he’s had a rough day…whether due to work or due to missing Zoe…he tries hard not to let it affect his time with Avery and Lily. And I know, even in her death, his relationship with Zoe continues to grow. He talks to her, he grieves for her, and he misses her just as much as I do. She is his daughter as much as Avery and Lily are. I know he misses all the things I miss about her and cries for all the same things I cry for…the kindergarten, high school, and college graduations we’ll never see, the swim meet, soccer game or dance recital that we’ll only be able to imagine…and that singular father-daughter moment…dancing at her wedding. All of these he can only picture in his mind and pray to experience in his dreams at night. Like me, Avery and Lily bring true joy into his life, there is no question about that; but it doesn’t lessen the things we’ll miss.

So…what can I do for Richard for Father’s day? I can remember all of this. I can honor the very real fact that he hurts just as much as I do for all we’ve gone through and that his heart is just as battered and bruised as I mine. I can share my feelings more openly and find that quite often we are feeling similarly. I can allow him the “luxury” of grieving openly because our society does not freely offer this to the fathers and the husbands. Even in this day and age of 3, 5, 7, and 12 step programs to a better life and heightened self awareness…the world still expects the dad to be sad for a week or so and then get back to work and plug away. Why isn’t it just as accepted for the dad to have difficulty just getting out of bed to take a shower or to want to curl up and die as it is for the mom? Are they less human that we women? Do they feel less? Are their feelings not as real as ours? Not at all! And yet, even in books written for grieving parents, they are often stereotyped into a column of characteristics that are less than desirable in times of great stress. I am so thankful my husband never came close to falling into one of those columns...he has always been "outside the norm" in that regard. If he wasn't, I honestly think we would be a part of that statistic where 90% of marriages fall apart after the death of a child.

I love you so very, very much Richard. I am eternally grateful that God picked you to be my husband and the father to Avery, Lily, and Zoe!

You are my heart…my soul…my love forever.

Happy Father’s Day!

A first

For the first time, tonight, Avery told a stranger Zoe was in heaven. My urge to burst into tears, rip her out of the stroller, and hug her was almost uncontrollable.

The girls and I had a long, but fun day today. We travelled a couple hours north to visit a mom and her trio who don't have a lot of support nearby. The girls had so much fun playing with their new friends, and even after 4 hours in the car and not a very good nap they were actually quite well behaved and not nearly as cranky as I expected them to be. So, I promised that if they ate a good dinner we'd go downtown to the brand new "Sweet Shoppe and Soda Stop" for a ka-choc-o-yet ice cream.

They did eat a decent enough dinner so I loaded them up and off we went. The downtown district in our town is actually quite close and if there were sidewalks all the way from our house to the middle of town I would have just walked...but for safety's sake we drove. They got right into the stoller and were pretty excited to get their ice cream. The weather tonight was absolutely perfect for walking, not too hot with a tiny little breeze blowing.

Our downtown business association sponsors free concerts the first friday of each month during the summer and tonight they were hosting "The Best of Beach Music" so there actually quite a lot of people walking around, music was playing in the background...I actually felt for a moment that I didn't live out in the country!

So we walk into the Sweet Shoppe and there were just the two ladies working (the owner and her mother, I presume) and an older couple sitting down in one of the booths. The women "ood" and "ahhd" and said how cute the girls were. They asked what their age difference was (Avery is 2 inches taller than Lily, noticeable even when they're sitting down) and I told her they were actually two of my triplets, to which she answered the standard "Oh my, you have your hands full." I just smiled and said "yes", paid for our ice cream and strolled the girls to the booth near the window and sat down.

The older woman then sat down with the couple who were already seated and I overheard her say "triplets." It didn't take long for the other woman to walk over and say "I heard they're triplets. I have twin grandchildren." I replied "yes, they are. This is Lily and this is Avery and their sister is Zoe." (Normally I say "was", but for some reason tonight I said "is") The woman didn't ask any further questions but Avery then said "Zoe's in Heaven with Jesus." My heart melted. It was the sweetest sentence to come out of her mouth and I can tell you without a doubt that this kid (and her sister) say incredibly sweet, loving, considerate things all the time. But this, which I did not prompt, had not even said anything about Avery and Lily being surviving triplets, or anything...she said it and I loved it!