It's happening again...

...that subtle anxiety in the pit of my stomach that likes to come around every now and then. I'm sure it's because of the holiday that is upon us. I'm sure that's why I got weepy when talking to Mema today as she said "We just need Zoe"(we were both missing her). And again tonight as I laid down in between Avery and Lily, after spending a while calming their sugar high, I just wished so badly Zoe was here with us. This longing, this aching in my body is still here...it's not leaving. Some days are better than others...and even on the bad days I can function much better than in months past (that's progress right?)...but oh my goodness I want to hold her again.

I watched some video we have of her from August 2007 until a week or so after she came home from the NICU. I watched us finally bring her home...a triumphant day to be sure. I watched as I gave her one last bath in the NICU, and tried desperately to remember what it felt like to wash her hair and soap up her little fat rolls on her arms and legs. If I try really hard I can still feel the thickness of her soft curly hair on the very end of my fingertips and I can almost remember what it felt like to hold that chubby little arm and kiss those sweet, round, steroid swollen cheeks. I watched as I sat in the wheelchair, ready to take her home from NICU after 9 1/2 long, long, long months...I listened as I said "I can't believe we're actually doing this! I can't believe she's actually coming home." Happy tears rolling down my cheeks, Zoe dressed in that precious little jumper daddy found for her with the little pink rosebuds all over it...and that huge smile on my face, the joy in my voice and in Richard's voice. I had no idea I'd only have her home for four months. No clue in the world that our lives, which had already changed forever, were going to be changed forever yet again. I wanted to scream at myself in the video - "Make sure you're not just running around giving meds and ordering medical supplies...let someone else do it...ENJOY your daughter...your time is limited...savor every minute and never forget."

I'll get through this anxiety-riddled moment, I even did it today without taking an extra med (that's progress too, right?). I know I'll see Zoe again, I know she's perfect and whole...I know, I know, I know. But none of that will ever replace my longing for her or make this ache subside.

Avery and Lily do bring absolute and complete pure joy into our lives and I thank God every single day that I still have them here with us. They are incredible little girls and seem to be growing by leaps and bounds these days...I want to hold them down and say..."please just stay this way for a little longer, please!" Even looking at those videos when they were 8-10 months old, that wasn't that long ago and that's it...no more babies in this house, we've got little girls now who ask for "caka-mo-yee" with their "ka-chips" (guacamole and chips) or they say, after eating a treasured M&M "I yove ca-choc-o-yet" (I love chocolate). Some other cute phrases said lately "I'm all set", "ooo, a kicker! ooo anover kicker" (sticker), or Lily when she says "I'm a gonna go hide, I'm a gonna go hide." And today, watching them at their first Family Easter Egg hunt, they were having so much fun. All the little cousins where running around and Lily wanted so badly to get right in the middle of their game of keep-away. As the crowd of children ran across the grass Lily ran towards them a few feet and then ran around in a circle and smiled...like saying "Look Mommy, I'm big too, I can run with the big kids!" And the way she followed the next youngest cousin around who is 4...if she started picking pebbles, Lily started gathering pebbles, if she jumped in the boat in the garage, Lily stood and stared at her and climbed up on to the trailer (much lower than the boat), if she sat on the swing, Lily wanted to push her and then she said "I yove Ma-yo-wee" (Mallory). Avery on the other hand was inside most of the time with Mema "cooking" in the playroom and then later telling her Auntie Roxanne to "cake care of the kittnens" (take care of the kittens, little 2 week old wild ones). These girls are amazing, they are beautiful and wonderful and I treasure each moment with them and pray that I get to keep them as long as I'm alive. So please, if you're blessed enough to have your children alive and in person with you...I know it's hard not to get caught up in the whirlwind that is our lives...but make sure you take a moment to savor your children. We have no guarantee that we get to keep them here with us.


Denise Wheeler said...

I am so sorry that you are still struggling but it certainly sounds like you have made progress. I can't beging to imagine the pain that you feel. All of your posts are reminder to me to cherish every moment.
You are a beautiful, strong, and terrific mama!

Happy Easter. I hope your day has been blessed.

Anonymous said...

I know you meet your sweet baby girl. I am givng you virtual hugs.
The other two are getting big.

All time favorite video of Zoe!

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Bible verses that comfort me

"Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord."
~ 2 Corinthians 5:8

"Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children....Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them"
~ Mark10:14 & 10:16

"...those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint"~ Isaiah40:31