For my girls a look back a look forward….June 20, 2006

Trembling hands legs gone numb I’ve lost my voice?
The cold OR the lights so bright, so many voices, the tugging, the pulling, that burning smell – no cries, no “look at your baby”
The tap on my shoulder, my name being called, over and over and louder and louder
Wait, where did you go? Did I just see one of my babies or was that a vision?
Okay you’re back, but I can’t tell are you happy? Is this a good day? Are they ok?
1,2,3, cross my arms about my chest now the lights are going by overhead
Are you ok? They ask? I’m warm, but something cuts across my middle, it hurts, my mind is cloudy

People come in and out of the curtain – who is that happy couple across the way? With their big baby that they hold and cuddle? Where are my babies? Are they ok?
I think it’s only been a short time but hours pass
The day and night come and go as one – where are my babies?
Another day and night – now…can I see my babies? Are they ok? Are you ok? I can’t tell – are you being strong so I won’t know they’re sick?

Which glass dome holds my baby keeping her warm and snug?
So tiny, so frail, are you in pain? Does it hurt to be so small? My eyes fill as does my heart – I’m afraid to start to love you, what if I can never know you? Close my eyes, open my heart – you are my child, you are my love, you are my life. Breathe in, breathe out, slowly, deeply – can you feel my breath? Can you feel my life? Let it enter into yours, join me…come with me. Can you feel my strength? You belong to me – you belong with me, you came from me please stay with me, please don’t leave me. Breathe in, breathe out…can you feel my breath?
My heart beats again…is yours beating too? Can my heart beat for yours? Can my body do the work yours must do? So helpless – what can I do? I can’t even touch you but through the glass…please feel my life, please feel my love…I need you.

The days go on…day 1, day 2, week 1, week 2, and then a month and then more…with each passing minute comes more hope for life …I can touch you now, hold you to my heart, sing in your ear
My love wraps around you, pouring into your tiny little body, afraid to kiss your sweet little head, will you get sick?
So tired, you need rest, sleep little one, relax, breathe, and grow.
You grow and grow, wait – when did you become a babe? You know me don’t you? You hold my finger, sleep in my arms, eyes twinkle at my voice…you’re coming home little one, you’re coming home.
You look at me with love in your eyes – do I deserve this? Do I deserve this complete devotion wrapped in your sweet, baby innocence?

Your life is in my hands. What happens to you happens to me, if you cry I feel the pain, if you laugh I feel the joy, you discover the world around you and I see it for the first time too. I will protect you … I will love you. You will know devotion and you will be safe. You will know truth and loyalty you will know freedom and strength. You will know love.

My precious gifts – I thank you, I thank you for choosing me to be your mother.